Carols

When we last left our intrepid, enchanted, electrical hero, he’d just come upon a powerful light source that perfectly complemented his magical capabilities. Coincidence? Deus ex machina? Hard to say! Regardless, with his trusty Orb of Arching Bolts, our explorer friend was able to venture deeper than ever into the cavernous belly of the draconic titan whose stomach remains his simultaneous home and prison.

It’s pretty gross down here, you guys.

The dragon’s digestive system appears to resemble that of a bovine, but with more flames and a greatly increased capacity. Unless it was a dire cow. Those things are fucking huge. Anyway. There must be more than one stomach to hold all of this food and perform the necessary digestive processes. The dimensions of the stomachs—I know not if there are more than two, but so far, two—are mind-boggling: after I shuffled through the narrow tube connecting the two guts, I tumbled headfirst into a huge lake of acid stretching far beyond the reach of my light. Thankfully I landed near a couple floating barrels of Dwarven IPA. This stuff is really nasty, usually. Despite their reputation for brewing, dwarves do not make good IPA. Simple fact. I was able to clamber aboard one of them and float around for a bit. But this wouldn’t do. I needed to find a better means of transit. What hope had I for reaching solid (squishy) ground by drifting idly on a barrel? Was I destined to float aimlessly around this endless ocean of bile?

And then I spotted the kayak.

I’m cruising now! I can’t believe my good luck! This kayak is crafted from Highland Bladewood, arguably the lightest and most useful type of timber for boat construction. There was no paddle, but I smashed the beer barrel, dumped the swill from inside, and built makeshift oars. I felt a bit like Calvin from my favorite comic strip: destroying the contents of the cardboard box and keeping the box to play with. But seriously, Dwarven IPA is undrinkable. Ask anyone. Stout, okay. Porter, sure. But not IPA.

I’m in such a good mood that I’ve decided to sing some Christmas songs. It’s almost the day we commemorate the birth of Sir Isaac Newton, after all! Also Clara Barton, Louis Chevrolet, Dark Warder Baxeni Thundercry, Humphrey Bogart, Jimmy Buffett, and Dynina, Lady of the Land of Pure Light. I like to make holidays efficient by celebrating as many things as possible at once.

Sloshing through the flow / of acid every day / o’er this lake I float / a dragon yet to slay! / hope he won’t take wing / for then I’d catch a flight / yes, me and all my awesome loot / careening out of sight!  Oh!

Siiiiilent night / hooooly night / saaaalvged steak / taaaaastes all right / haaad I naught but a kniiife and fooork / Iiii think beeeef tastes beeetter than pooork / sweeeet, some old rusty keeeeeeys, maybe I’ll just eat with theeese…

Last Christmas / I rolled 10 on Fort / but in the next play you cast / Ray of Decay / this year / I’ll fight against Fear / cuz my saves are quite especial…

-was that a tentacle?

Ahhh!

Guy.IAD

Holiday Spirit

The assassin vine and I have become close friends. I think it's beginning to understand me when I talk to it, and I think it even tries to comfort me when I cry (it really gets me, you know). The thing will try to pat me on the shoulder or wipe away my tears. I almost feel bad for singeing it every time it comes close to my neck... It doesn't make for great conversation, but it's something.

Anyway, it came to my attention this week that Christmas is right around the corner, (The dragon has started eating an abundance of carolers and elves...) and I thought I'd make a Christmas list.

Now, normally I just ask friends and family to donate to causes I believe in, and everyone is still welcome to do that. I'd like to specifically put a plug this year for the Save the Gazebos fund. These rare, majestic, and mostly peaceful creatures have been hunted and persecuted for ages. But can you even imagine a grassy gnoll without a gazebo? It's just wrong!! Remember kids, only you can prevent gazebo extinction. Donate today!

Anyways, even though I don't normally ask for items for Christmas (being a minimalist and all), there are a few things I'd like this year:

• Bag of holding (for all those little things I find in the dragon. My favorite color is blue, btw.)
• Robe of useful items (hey, who doesn't want useful items?)
• A tome of leadership and influence (I'm thinking of starting an assassin vine collective once I get out of here. Apparently they're super oppressed and stuff, Viney has been telling me about it.)
• Bracers of epic health (stomach acids and all...)
• A flashlight (something bright would be nice)
• A bazooka (so I can blast my way out of this stupid monster)

I hope everyone is in the Christmas spirit! I think I heard someone singing Christmas songs earlier today, but maybe it was just the vine crying to itself. 

Peace on Earth and all that!

Girl.IAD

Lost & Found

I’m seriously lost down here now. I tried to find my stomachmarks in the wake of my recent cooking catastrophe and aerial adventure—still haven’t seen that helmet or any of my old supplies—but when I finally landed I was hopelessly disoriented. It doesn’t help that the only source of light I have in here is little bursts of static electricity I can create when I snap my fingers. Makes it hard to find my way around when I get tired of snapping. I’ve got to find another means of making light. I attempted to ignite a rag on a stick—okay, actually a dry piece of leather affixed to a femur—with my Volt spell to make a torch, but all I did was vaporize the hide and make the bone explode. Ouch. Probably shouldn’t’ve done that. Now I’ve got a small burn on my hand and a very blackened chunk of what was once a cow, I think. Anyway.

Being inside a dragon has given me a new angle to reflect on life. I hope you’ll pardon a minor dissertation on the matter: I shan’t go on too long, I promise. So here I am. In a dragon. I’m officially food. But I’m still alive, and so far I have no reason to think the dragon is able to obtain any kind of nourishment from me while I remain as such. After all, don’t you need to absorb the nutrients from things in order to count them as food? I mean, if you eat something and throw it up later, you didn’t really eat it did you? So anyway, with me still alive I can’t really be counted as food.

What does that make me, then? I’m an intruder here in the stomach. Not a willing one, sure, but still. Does that make me a parasite? I’ve been eating (or trying to eat) the food that’s supposed to be for the dragon. Parasites are one-way deals though. They don’t give anything back to the host. And while you can rest assured I won’t be sending this dragon a Christmas card in a few weeks or a Facebook post on it’s birthday, I still feel like the dragon get something out of this deal: namely, whatever nutrients it’s absorbing from my legs as I wander around in here. Also, I’ve taken the liberty of organizing the various dead livestock I come upon so they’re easier for the dragon to absorb. The fuller it feels, the less often it will take off and send me on wild journeys though the hot air like I’m on the business end of the gravity gun in Half-Life 2. Plus it looks way better in here now. Tidiness is important!

So we’re kind of symbiotic, in a weird way. I’m a living source of nutrition, and the dragon has the courtesy to keep eating stuff that I can eat. Plus there’s sweet loot in here. Seriously sweet loot. Even though I don’t know where I am anymore, I’ve been gathering what I can from around the area just in case I need it later. If I can find somewhere pretty stable, I might be able to build a hut or something. So far I’ve acquired a tattered messenger bag, a couple of throwing daggers, some gemstones, and a soggy copy of Every Day with Rachel Ray from August ’08. Who was keeping this magazine? Why? Whatever. Time to rummage through another pile of adventurer bones.

Oh hell yes! I found something super awesome in here: an Orb of Arching Bolts. I used to have one of these when I was a kid. It’s a baseball-sized glass sphere, cool white in color (okay, yes, it looks like a light bulb), and when it’s struck with electricity it lights up like one of those awesome plasma orbs. You ever play with one of those? They’re crazy. I always wondered what would happen if you broke the glass. I lived in perpetual fear of doing just that: what if when you broke it the little plasma spirit inside came out and latched onto you? You’d shock everyone you touched. Makes it hard to mack on the ladies, know what I’m sayin’?

Okay. Light source: got it. Any idea where I am: no. Baby steps. Baby steps. I think I’ll head toward the narrow section I saw a while ago. I thought I heard the sound of oars in water… must’ve been my imagination.

-Guy.IAD

Smooth Sailing

I've found a brilliant way to stay dry in the dragon's stomach while moving around. While I was wandering around, doing my daily scavenge for undigested vegetables (I'm a vegetarian and am not quite hungry enough to start eating meat. Did you know that, while beholders make excellent and cost-effective shepherds, they brutally eviscerate nearly half of all our meat products for their own sick pleasure? It's really too cruel and I just can't support an industry that encourages creatures with eyestalks that can inflict serious wounds to play with my food). Where was I? Oh yes, when I was scavenging for some cruelty-free veggies I found a few barrels of beer.

I know, I know, I probably should have saved all the beer and dealt with being slowly digested through a long, lonely binge, but I was sort of desperate to stop the burning that was beginning on my legs. So I filled my fair-trade, synthetic waterskin with the stuff and broke the barrels open. I've fashioned a sort of canoe from the planks and am now quite dry (if not somewhat tipsy). I'm concerned that the stomach acid will eventually wear down the wood of the boat, but for now I'm wonderfully dry, even slightly comfortable.

While I was drifting in a large lake of acid, I made another great find. I found an assassin vine creeping about and tied it to the back of my boat. Now I have quick and easy access to its hearty but bitter fruit at any time! I just need to make sure it doesn't try to entangle me in my sleep...

I also found a helmet drifting in the digestive fluids. It looked like it had some kind of stew in it recently, there were little bits of meat sort of burnt to the bottom. There wasn't much, but I fed it to the assassin vine in hopes that we can reach some sort of understanding, maybe even form a symbiotic relationship, if you know what I mean. I tried to explain to it how I'm really on its side as an environmentalist and all and it shouldn't really be angry that I'm eating its berries and dragging it through the stomach of a dragon. I think it understood... But just in case, I think I'll try to keep it satiated.

-Girl.IAD

Hunger Pains

Several days have now passed. I am all but certain that the Ring of Acid Resistance the Elves gave me is the only thing keeping me from dissolving into a melty, gooey pile of slush here in this hostile environment. Still, I find myself a growing a bit peckish. Perhaps I can devise a method for preparing some food?

The first step is to figure out what I have on hand. Let’s see. Plenty of animal meat, that much is clear, though some of it is admittedly not particularly well-preserved. Is this dragon a scavenger? Maybe. I’ve seen a few human corpses in here, but I’m not ready to stoop to cannibalism. I don’t want to contract some weird CTI (cannibalisticly transmitted infection). No thanks. The stomach acid itself is only remotely appetizing. It might make a decent sauce, with the right reductions… but I’m getting ahead of myself.

One of the other things I’ve tried to do in the last few days is begin to learn to navigate the stomach. There aren’t many landmarks here (stomachmarks?), and admittedly things tend to slosh about, but I’ve spotted a few memorable items: a set of ticks in one wall, a collection of gold piles (one of which looked as though it had been sat upon at some point; I found a merlot-stained wineglass beside it), and of course the flarynx (the most obvious first choice for a navigation point). There’s also a very, very dark space leading to what I can only assume is the lower portion of the digestive system. I haven’t gone down there yet. Don’t think I will.

While coming up with a method for finding my way around down here, I began collecting trinkets and other items that might be of use. I’ve located a couple of rusty skeleton keys, a broken sword hilt, a dazzling, vaguely spoon-shaped emerald, and a license plate from Oregon (well known for its dragons—perhaps this beast is from there) reading WHTDRGN. Coincidence? Not sure. My best find so far though? A knight’s helmet. With tassel. Aw yeah. I plunked that baby on my skull—forgetting that it was full of acid, and thus drenching myself—and wandered around, no longer fearing head injuries.

But now I have an idea. A wild, crazy idea. This helmet might form a convenient cook pot, and with a bit of acid, plus some bones and chunks of beef… hm. I found a few carrots too—admittedly inside the belly of a horse, but they’re not digested!—so those could help out. Yes. I think this will work.

I found a flat spot and stuck the keys and sword straight down in the stomach lining with the license plate on top to form a little platform. Next I put the helmet on top of the license plate. My magical training is limited. I never learned to make fire. However, lightning is another story…

Electrically superheated license plate + makeshift stew pot + random ingredients = delicious? Sure smells that way! I’m really looking forward to this!

…

Fuck. Dragon lifted off, sending everything flying and knocking me halfway across the stomach. I almost caught the helmet as it went zooming off, but all I managed to do was smack it and knock all the stew out. And burn my hand.

Guess I’m going hungry for a little while longer. Thank goodness for this nutrient-rich Ring of Nourishment I’m also wearing.

-Guy.IAD

Fireworks!

Romance, as you might expect, is hard to come by in the stomach of a dragon, but who's to say it can't be found?

Last night I had difficulty sleeping; I just couldn't seem to get comfortable in my hammock (the changes in altitude make things tricky), so I decided to take a small walk. I remembered reading once that dragons have hearts made of pure fire, so I set off to where I thought was up to see if I could get a look at it through the layers of tissue.

Of course I ended up getting lost, no one ever thinks to study dragon anatomy beyond 'this is where the fire comes out' and 'these are the pointy parts you should avoid.' Anyways, I stumbled across a rare discovery--a dry spot!

It looks like I'm inside a serious treasure-hoarder. The dragon has a dry place in its stomach where all the gold it has swallowed have formed a sort of alluvial sandbank. It's snug against a wall of stomach lining, and while it isn't the most comfortable place to sit, the stench is a little weaker and it gave me some time to let my clothes dry and think over my situation.

Blogging and copious amounts of treasure are fine and all, but a girl has needs. I was just thinking that it sure would be nice if the dragon would swallow a dance party of gorgeous men for me when the most amazing thing happened.

I don't know if there were fireworks or a crazy sunrise or what, but all of a sudden there were huge bursts of colorful light outside the dragon! I managed to find an ornate wine vessel nestled amongst the wondrous items. I drank wine while watching the light-show and had a great time of it, despite the serious lack of dancing men.

There must have been others enjoying it too, I heard some faint shouts in the direction the lights were coming from. So romantic!

-Girl.IAD

Time Passes

I've begun attempting to devise a timekeeping system for myself here. My watch was smashed during the swallowing process. But I've started to figure out how long it takes certain things to dissolve, and using this method, I can sort of get a feel for how much time is passing. Guts and organs usually go first, within perhaps two hours. Skin takes longer. Maybe five hours. Bones take the longest, so they're not of much use. Also, the dragon eats on a regular basis, so when something fresh comes tumbling in, showering me with a cascade of its hot, sticky innards, I at least know it's been about twelve hours. That's how often dragons eat. Or were you not aware? What do they teach in that school of yours?

Comments on my telepathic blog posts appear to return to me as echoes in the dragon's stomach. This makes for some rather odd situations, as I've already found myself at least once today shouting, "I disagree with your point but I respect your right to hold your own opinion!" Which seems silly when the only things around you are fleshy stomach walls, pools of digestive juice, and chunks of various dead things. Still, it's nice to know my words are being read. Now if only I could devise a means of signaling someone on the outside as to which dragon I'm in. There are so many around, you know. Hard to keep track. And I can't expect someone to go around slicing up every dragon until they find me. It's illegal.

I came upon something resembling a hammock today. I have no idea how it got here, but it looked comfy so I rested in it. I couldn't help but wonder why the dragon would eat a hammock made of skins from dead animals, which it had also eaten. Perhaps it made the hammock for me and then consumed it? That would be very courteous. Further investigation is necessary.

I'm beginning to wonder why I haven't melted away yet. Perhaps those blessings I received from the Elves really are working after all! I knew saving their Princess was a good idea.

-Guy.IAD

Exploring the Beast

So after my initial bout of loneliness, I think this might actually be a pretty cool arrangement. Sure, I'm being slowly digested by a gargantuan or possibly colossal dragon, am unlikely to ever see the sun again, and am destined to wander these acidic pits alone until my untimely death, but that doesn't mean I can't have a bit of fun right?

The dragon must have taken a nap after eating me, but now it's moving around a bit. The sloshing took some time to get used to, but after some practice now I'm able to walk around just fine. Being inside a stomach is actually kind of fun if you can make a game out of it. I like to skip the small, smooth bones across the digestive fluid as I walk along.

Using my torch, I went exploring for a bit. I found some scratches on the beast's stomach lining that look like a count or tally, but could have just been signs of dragon indigestion.  I also came across some silver scales, so either I'm inside a nice silver dragon that likes chewing on itself or I've been consumed by an evil silver-dragon-consuming monster.

About an hour into my exploration, the dragon must have taken off. I blacked out at the sudden increased g-force, and when I came back to I guess the thing had landed somewhere else. I'm going to have to find out where I am... By the looks of the least digested meal, I'm going to say we're in Scotland?

In the mean time I've been putting together a hammock with a sturdy harness out of partially digested animal skins. Next time this sucker takes off I plan to enjoy it!

-Girl Inside a Dragon, or Girl.IAD

PS. Anyone have some cooking tips or recipes that might be nice down here? Despite the sickening smell, I'm starting to get a little peckish... Wish I had someone here who could cast purify food and drink. That always seemed like such a worthless spell till now...

The Reptile Question

As I sit amidst the slime and detritus here inside this dragon's stomach, I can't help but ponder something: are dragons reptiles? This question deserves a moment of my now ample free time.

I have no reference tools here in the murk. No Wikipedia. No Yahoo! Answers. Guess I'm just going to need to use what I can remember from high school biology and power though. Hope you taught me well, science teacher whose name I can't recall due to the excruciating pain from the digestive acids!

Reptiles are, like, scaly and stuff. They have crazy eyes. Sometimes they can climb on walls and ceilings, but sometimes they're snakes and have no arms. How do snakes get anything done? That's what I want to know. Snakes are like nature's joke. "Hey, let's make one with no arms or legs," Nature said, laughing to herself (itself? himself? Am I being gender-biased?) "Let's see if it can function like that." Mostly I wonder how snakes have sex. There's, like, nothing exciting about it. No arms or legs, right? Where's the fun in that? Or maybe that would make it more fun. I really don't know. I may not have a chance to find out, being trapped in this dragon's stomach more or less alone. I thought I heard a voice a while ago, and for a second I thought I saw the shadow of a rabbit being consumed by a serpent... but it was probably my imagination.

Anyway, the most critical piece of information of all: cold blood. Reptiles have cold blood. There's certainly a lot of liquid in here, but none of it is blood, nor is any of it cold. I'm pretty sure it's all hot and melty. Maybe their blood melts things. Does reptile blood melt steel? I know I read that somewhere. Oh, and it cures a variety of diseases too, right? Hepatitis, polio, stigmatism, arthritis, and incompetence. That's a diesase, right? So yeah, cold blood. It's heated by the sun. They lay in the sun all day so they can stay warm. That would suck to have to lay in the sun and get all dried out. Maybe that's why they're scaly. They'd have smooth, soft skin if they didn't need to lay in the sun.

Do dragons have cold blood? If they do, they're probably reptiles. But they breathe fire! How can their blood be cold? Okay, they're scaly. And they lay eggs. Reptiles lay eggs. Can you eat reptile eggs? I've never heard of anyone doing that. Maybe they're amazing and no one has tried. I'm not sure. But I can tell you this: reptiles do not usually eat people. Dragons do. That's a point against you, dragons!

Okay, breakdown here. Reptiles: cold blood, lay eggs, scales, climb walls except when snakes. Dragons: don't climb walls but can fly, lay eggs, blood temperature uncertain, scales.

Half-reptile? This question requires more research. I'll keep looking around. Maybe I can find some of the dragon's blood, or a textbook somewhere in here.

-GuyInsideADragon, or Guy.IAD

It's Dark and Lonely in Here Guys

This dragon is super dark and wet inside, and doesn't contain much in the way of respectable company. I've gotten a little lonely. Luckily I found the dragon's flarynx and was able to start a torch. I've been making shadow puppets on his stomach lining for like an hour now, but Mr. Bunny and Ms. Snake got in a fight. The skeleton of the last guy this dragon ate didn't seem amused, so I stopped and now I'm all alone again.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you see a glowing dragon, help?

-GirlInsideADragon

How did this happen?

I appear to be inside a dragon. This is most unfortunate. Thank the Gods for my telepathic blogging abilities; at least now I can inform the outside world of my predicament.

But what to say? I must think on the matter. Luckily I will have plenty of time to consider the difficult conundrum of topic selection, for as noted, I am currently inside a motherfucking dragon. Quite a situation.

-GuyInsideADragon