Carols

When we last left our intrepid, enchanted, electrical hero, he’d just come upon a powerful light source that perfectly complemented his magical capabilities. Coincidence? Deus ex machina? Hard to say! Regardless, with his trusty Orb of Arching Bolts, our explorer friend was able to venture deeper than ever into the cavernous belly of the draconic titan whose stomach remains his simultaneous home and prison.

It’s pretty gross down here, you guys.

The dragon’s digestive system appears to resemble that of a bovine, but with more flames and a greatly increased capacity. Unless it was a dire cow. Those things are fucking huge. Anyway. There must be more than one stomach to hold all of this food and perform the necessary digestive processes. The dimensions of the stomachs—I know not if there are more than two, but so far, two—are mind-boggling: after I shuffled through the narrow tube connecting the two guts, I tumbled headfirst into a huge lake of acid stretching far beyond the reach of my light. Thankfully I landed near a couple floating barrels of Dwarven IPA. This stuff is really nasty, usually. Despite their reputation for brewing, dwarves do not make good IPA. Simple fact. I was able to clamber aboard one of them and float around for a bit. But this wouldn’t do. I needed to find a better means of transit. What hope had I for reaching solid (squishy) ground by drifting idly on a barrel? Was I destined to float aimlessly around this endless ocean of bile?

And then I spotted the kayak.

I’m cruising now! I can’t believe my good luck! This kayak is crafted from Highland Bladewood, arguably the lightest and most useful type of timber for boat construction. There was no paddle, but I smashed the beer barrel, dumped the swill from inside, and built makeshift oars. I felt a bit like Calvin from my favorite comic strip: destroying the contents of the cardboard box and keeping the box to play with. But seriously, Dwarven IPA is undrinkable. Ask anyone. Stout, okay. Porter, sure. But not IPA.

I’m in such a good mood that I’ve decided to sing some Christmas songs. It’s almost the day we commemorate the birth of Sir Isaac Newton, after all! Also Clara Barton, Louis Chevrolet, Dark Warder Baxeni Thundercry, Humphrey Bogart, Jimmy Buffett, and Dynina, Lady of the Land of Pure Light. I like to make holidays efficient by celebrating as many things as possible at once.

Sloshing through the flow / of acid every day / o’er this lake I float / a dragon yet to slay! / hope he won’t take wing / for then I’d catch a flight / yes, me and all my awesome loot / careening out of sight!  Oh!

Siiiiilent night / hooooly night / saaaalvged steak / taaaaastes all right / haaad I naught but a kniiife and fooork / Iiii think beeeef tastes beeetter than pooork / sweeeet, some old rusty keeeeeeys, maybe I’ll just eat with theeese…

Last Christmas / I rolled 10 on Fort / but in the next play you cast / Ray of Decay / this year / I’ll fight against Fear / cuz my saves are quite especial…

-was that a tentacle?

Ahhh!

Guy.IAD