Down we go again!

Oh no, not again.

Whilst being eaten by a dragon is woefully unpleasant, being eaten by a dragon when you’re about to unleash the sexiest pick-up line known to Druid-kind* is just abysmal.

Clank, clonk, bonk, crack, screeeeeech! As I fell down the foul beast’s esophagus I reached out with my hands, my feet, my nails, ANYTHING to help slow my fall (all the while calling down to the Guy, “Hey, I can show you a really wild rhi—wait that’s not how it goes, DAMNIT I PRACTICED). I was surprised to find that instead of hitting flesh, my digits came against cold, hard, metal. Oh FUCK.

We hadn’t been eaten by a dragon (inside a dragon)—we’d been consumed by a MECHANICAL dragon (inside a dragon).

The dragon must have swallowed some gnome tinkerers and their (abominable) creation. You’re familiar with gnome tinkerers of course. They’re the guys that stretch out your boots while trying to sell you graphics cards they swear will make the things look better. If only the Guy and I could find their control room… Perhaps this wasn’t so bad—I began to think—Perhaps this is our ticket out!

Still falling***,

Girl.IAD

*The line, of course, is “How much do I weigh in polar bear form? Just enough to break the ice!”**

**A variation of this for gamer druids is “How much do I slay in polar bear form? Just enough to crush your dice!” It sounds as threatening as it actually is.

***In love (and in a dragon [inside a dragon])

Just Like 2012 But Not

I guess it was inevitable that things would take a turn for the worse. Even though it seemed unlikely to begin with, somehow the Girl and I managed to at last cross paths. Yet no sooner were we finally starting to entertain the notion of a conversation (or smooches) than our first (and hopefully not last) opportunity vanished. And when I say vanished, I actually mean "was eaten". But I get ahead of myself.

I've gotten ahead of myself before. Never drink and time travel.

Let's rewind a bit: we're on top of the tower. I'd just said, "Hey" and was grinning like a big doofus (no, that doesn't mean what you think it means. The doofus is a noble creature; I specifically imitated its grin because I knew the Girl was some sort of Druid, and thus I needed to impress her with my knowledge of animal lore), when suddenly we heard the unmistakable beeping of an electromagnetic pulse grenade. A platoon of bowelbears was hut-hut-huting their way up the stairs, and one had just chucked the bomb around the corner. It rolled up to our feet.

I immediately shouted for the Girl to take cover, and mumbled a spell to activate my absorptive shield. It should've allowed me to drain the energy from the blast and transform it into mana. Unfortunately, the lone EMP grenade was soon among friends; the bowelbears tossed a few more explosives into the room, probably for good measure. I didn't recognize the others.

Time for plan B. I grabbed the Girl's hand--she already seemed to know what I was thinking. The vine coiled itself around her like a belt, and we jumped.

But we jumped too late. The EMP went first, and although I deflected and consumed its energy, the vacuum it created pulled the other grenades toward us, which--if you know anything about grenades--is seriously not good. Whatever was in them knocked us flying at high speed, and off we went.

The sounds of battle faded rapidly, for obvious reasons. Our salvation from a splattery demise on the dragon floor turned out to be the faithful vine. As we tumbled head over heels into love (and through the air), we passed by a number of dangling structures. The vine lashed out, snagging one and immediately slowing our flight. But alas! The poor vine became lodged against whatever it'd grabbed, and we lost it. The Girl and I continued forward, crashing through a few membranes before finally coming to a halt.

I'll accelerate the tale from here. The vine didn't return, so I assumed it injured or lost. I couldn't go looking for it because the Girl had taken the brunt of an influenza grenade and was desperately ill. Instead I fortified the area as best I could, made a fire, and tended to her. A nearby treasure deposit provided clothing and supplies--did you know I almost went to the Occult University? They were shut down at the last minute. Something about vampiric cucumbers filled with sunlight. Can't remember now.

Three days went by. The Girl and I had numerous meaningful conversations, or at least we did in my head, because all she could do was murmur "fair-trade" and "organic" in reply to any query. But it was enough to be near her. Her hair was long and tangled. She wore simple pirate garb, and looked healthy considering the artificial disease that had incapacitated her.

She woke up free of infection on the third day, as I slept. I found her curled up against me.

It was a pretty nice moment.

But as I said, this perfect opportunity slipped away in an instant. I'd finally concocted the perfect opening line--"So, what's a nice girl like you doing in a dragon like this?"--and was about to say it, when suddenly the hot air shook with an all-too-familiar roar. A dragon's roar.

The flap of massive wings. A flash of scales. Huge teeth. A warm tongue, and a steaming mouth. Tumbling, turning, spinning, sliding. Darker darkness than the darkness to which I'd already become accustomed. The Girl shouting, and her hand slipping from mine.

Ugh, not again.

-Guy.IAD

Bowelstille Day

It was a mess out there. Quite literally a mess. I mean, I was expecting a gruesome sight, but this was just untidy. The pirates had upset trash bins and broken windows. They were scattering debris about with reckless abandon. The tribes, meanwhile, were doing all they could to fight through intense sneezing and coughing. The acrid air was misty with pollen.

“This your doing?” I asked the vine, not expecting an answer. It shook. I drew my sword and began searching for my ticket out: the Girl. I scampered into an alley and used a discarded grapnel to scale a roof. From here I could see the most curious sight I’d yet encountered inside the dragon: a scale model of the Eiffel Tower, with its top aflame like a candle on a flesh-flavored birthday cake.

Wait… fire? The Girl!

With the vine coiled about my torso like a bandolier, I lunged from rooftop to rooftop, avoiding all the conflict on the streets below. And what conflict it was! Bowelbears casting minor cantrips to dazzle the pirates before running them through. Pirates lifting gallblins by the ears and hurling them about as though they were juggling pins. It was chaos, and all the while the endless plop of wet muskets and achoo from most everyone. I myself avoided the pollen’s effects by clever use of a handkerchief from my pack.

I reached the base of the tower to find it brimming with pirates. No way I was getting in without a disguise. There was a dead one in a nearby alley whose outfit was mostly intact. “If I must…” I groaned as I removed his stripey shirt and stupid beret.

“Let me pass!” I bellowed to the guard, and was allowed inside. In a flash I made my way up the narrow staircase—why was this tower even here, I finally let myself wonder—and soon reached the landing at the top…

To find the Girl dangling helplessly in the grip of a very ugly, very massive, very dangerous-looking trollon in a pirate costume. He (or she, it was hard to tell, although I guess the true answer is it because trollon have no sexes) had the woman by the throat, and was looking about ready to hurl her over the side to a painful death below.

“Zis iz ze end of ze road for you, druuuid!” the trollon cackled. The beast readied its petrifying vision ability.

Didn’t I mention that trollons have petrifying vision? They do. They don’t use it often, and only the really smart ones even know how, but once in a while they can fire a beam from their eyes that turns the victim to stone. It’s quite unnerving. And can have hilarious results for the trollons who aren’t properly trained in its use. Which includes most of them. I overheard more than one story about a trollon accidentally petrifying a coworker or friend over a cup of what passed for coffee in this hellhole.

Anyway, the trollon was distracted. Time to make my move. But what to do? I thought as quickly as I could. If I fired electricity, it’d cook the Girl along with the foe. If I threw a blade, it might strike her, and it'd use its vision power anyway. I needed a way to turn its power… against it… that’s it! I moved swiftly.

“Zut alors! Your baguette is showing!” I hollered.

“Eh!?” the trollon gasped, turning its head and firing the eye beam.

Directly into the mirror I now held in my hands.

The trollon released the Girl and staggered back, its flesh turning to stone before my eyes. “Non… noooon!” it howled, and then fell over, now a statue. The Girl fell wheezing to the floor, but rose moments later. I felt the vine unwrap itself from my chest and watched it crawl to her side. At last, I stood before her: this ravishing woman who may just be the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen, inside or outside a dragon.

“Hey,” she said. Think Guy, think! Say something clever!

I went with, “Hey.”

-Guy.IAD

Storming The Bowelstille

The siege began after all were “asleep” for what I presumed was the night. It was impossible to say when day and night occurred, for there was no natural light whatsoever down here, as usual. I dozed lightly in my cell, a thin blanket covering my slightly emaciated frame. Two weeks I’d been in captivity here. Two weeks of runny slop to eat. Two weeks of trying to remember, in vain, the incantation for a teleportation spell—not that I had mana to cast it anyway. Two weeks worth of stupid, trite riddles from King Omentum. Check out some of these gems:

- “When is a door not a door?” (When it’s ajar.)

- “I’m lighter than a feather, but no bowelbear can hold me for long. What am I?” (Breath.)

- “How do you drop a trollon egg three meters without breaking it?” (Trick question: Trollons are asexual and reproduce by budding.)

I was extremely pleased—and admittedly somewhat confused and distressed—when I heard the wet cracks of goopy musket-fire outside my tiny window. It sounded like someone was trying to shoot a rifle while submerged in heavy cream. I heard roars, screams, shrieks, curses in French, and all manner of other noises from beyond, but could see nothing save for the faint glimmer of reflected light on the rusty bars. I waited, gathering my strength. This was the day the bowelbear king spoke of. The day they’d finally face the pirate menace, or as the bowelbears called them, les petite cancrelats. The little cockroaches.

It was to be a bloodbath.

Let me back up. I feel that I’ve rambled a little; it’s been so long since I spoke to another human that I’ve quite forgotten how to form a coherent tale. During the first few days of my internment here, I was left in a cage in the town square. From that vantage point I was mocked and stared at, which didn’t much bother me, in part because I couldn’t care less about the opinions of stomach creatures and in part because I was able to eavesdrop on the happenings in the city. Trollons and bowelbears are quite chatty and prone to telling secrets. It was in this manner that I came to know a number of useful things about this place.

I learned that a large band of sub-humans had been living in the stomach for perhaps sixty years, and were descendents of a troupe swallowed at some past point during a great battle. These once-French once-humans had adapted to life here, taking on slimy attributes and speaking in a strange dialect. They kept to themselves for the most part, occasionally stealing supplies from the three clans or setting sail on voyages across the Sea of Acid. It was never clear why the clans hadn’t swarmed over these intruders, but I got the impression that they saw them as little more than insects. Minor annoyances.

All that changed just a few months ago. A new leader rose among the pirates, one with “demented” sensibilities. He increased the number of raids, implemented mandatory dress codes in keeping with the group’s French ancestry, and worst of all, had his men set up their own nets in the dragon’s gullet to catch food and possible new recruits. The rivalry between the two races was growing.

The day before they moved me to a prison cell, I overheard one final useful tidbit: the bowelbears knew of a newcomer to the ranks of the pirates. A human much like myself, they said. Had a pet vine that followed her around like a puppy. Could do magic. She, the bowelbears gossiped, was a powerful dark omen, and would soon lead an assault on their fair city. By order of the king, all citizens were to prepare themselves for a final confrontation with the pirates. It would not be long in coming.

After that I heard nothing more, until now, with the mixed screams of many races: bowelbear caws, trollon grunts, gallblin squeals, pirate cries, and somewhere in the midst of it the sound of fire magic. I waited, and waited, unsure which would be the worse fate: to have the pirates win and raze this building with me inside, or the three clans, leaving me with no hope for escape.

Just then I noted a quiet rustling at the window. A creeper vine peeked its curious head over the lip of the frame. In moments it slid down beside me, forming a neat coil. This, I reasoned, was the Girl’s vine, perhaps sent here to rescue me. But how?

The vine ejected a small object it’d been carrying, and waited for, I assumed, me to act. I picked up the object. It was a Mana Berry. Did the vine grow this? I patted the vine gently on—well, I couldn’t be sure it was the head, since the vine had no obvious cranium—and thanked it. Then I popped the morsel into my mouth. Its minty, fruity juice ran down my throat, instantly invigorating me.

My mana was fully restored in seconds. I stood, feeling more awake and lucid than I had in days. “C’mon little vine,” I said, holding my arm down for it. The vine slithered up my body like a snake and loosely wrapped itself around my torso, allowing me plenty of mobility. “Hang on friend. Time for me to return the favor.” I’d been thinking hard about how to break out of here, had I the chance. Well, now my moment had arrived.

I moved to the window of the cell door, spotted the keys on a hook on the wall, and used Telekinesis to bring them to the lock. I was free! I quickly located the treasure chest where the jailers kept personal belongings of various criminals interred here—a storage space I'd scouted during one of my many journeys out to see the King—and reacquired some of my lost gear. It wasn’t much, but at least I had my travel bag again. The vine adjusted its grip to accommodate this new addition. I scrounged through the small prison quickly, taking anything that might be of use: a dagger, a shortsword, some other keys, a few rations, a torch, a copy of Us Weekly, and a piece of broken mirror. There were no guards or other prisoners here; apparently everyone was outside, fighting.

I went to the prison door and took a breath. I didn’t know what I’d see when I stepped outside, but it wasn’t going to be pretty, of that much I felt certain. The vine shuffled restlessly at my hip.

Les dieux nous aident, I muttered, and stepped into the fray.

-Guy.IAD

Why is a bowelbear like a writing desk?

It’s strange, the things you notice while you’re in captivity. I’d never paused long enough to really listen to the inside of the dragon until now. Sound carries strangely here. There isn’t much of an echo anywhere. It’s a bit like when you place your ear against someone’s chest: you can hear what’s happening beneath the flesh, but it takes on a gurgling, liquid quality, like you’re trying to differentiate between smooth jazz and hard rock through a wall of gelatin. When the most common sounds you hear are marching feet and screams, you really begin to notice the difference between how those things sound topside and how they sound in the belly of a beast.

That’s not the only thing I’ve noticed. After a few encounters with the leader of the monsters, I’ve really started to wonder if I’m not the first human to descend into this slimy, accursed place. These creatures down here—bowelbears, trollons, and gallblins—are nothing like their unintestinal counterparts. My studies into the nature of such horrors were limited at best before I arrived here, and it was only because a clever pneumonic that was able to recall their names at all (If ever an owlbear or troll you do meet / and if there’s a goblin ahead at their feet / then into a stomach you surely have fallen / so beware of bowelbears and trollons and gallblins!).

I’ve been carted through the “town” square and dangled in a cage for the younglings to gape at. From that perch I was able to see many things. The trollons, while still mostly primal monsters with a ravenous appetite for fresh meat, possess a remarkable aptitude for construction and tool making. It is their nimble fingers that weave the bone and scrap metal so abundant in the mire into cages, rudimentary huts, armor, weapons, and even conveniences like cookware, toys, and wagons. The gallblins, it appears, are the least intelligent of the bunch, and though they alone wear gear, they’re the slaves of the camp. The two who’d originally accosted me were special cases—armed goons with no more reasoning capacity than was needed to follow the command to kill.

Apologies. I seem to be rambling. Allow me to get back to my main point: the bowelbear king. Yes, that’s right. The bowelbears: those hideous half-bear, half-owl monstrosities that growl and hoot like deranged howler monkeys with fangs; those naked, feathered mutations that plod about with filth caking their wings, claws, beaks, nails, their swollen, oft-used genitals on display; those disgusting, wretched abominations are in charge down here. They possess the highest level of intellect and some minor magical capability (cantrips barely more advanced than a child at the Academy could perform, but magic nonetheless). It is they who order the other creatures about. It is they who commission the trollons to build torture devices and pleasure machines of various crude sorts. It is they who have nets set up in the dragon’s gullet to catch live prey for transport to their encampment (and subsequent slaughter).

And it was one among them to whom I was dragged after that first awakening in the cage.

Their leader introduced himself, in shockingly smooth Common, as King Omentum, ruler of the three clans of the Underdigest. It was here, he told me, that they’d made their home for hundreds of years. The three species had been in this dragon’s stomach—they referred to her as the Wyrm, in a reverent tone—for as long as their history could trace, and perhaps longer still. It was here that they’d created a small empire for themselves--in ages past, they'd needed to ward off the attacks from other tribes (there'd been more native races here? My mind boggled at the thought). It was here that they now lived a life of relative luxury and, hard though it may be to believe, peace.

It was also here, he informed me, that I was going to die.

There was, however, one catch. One way out. King Omentum had a penchant for riddles, and offered me this challenge: if I could answer a conundrum from him each day, I would be spared until the following morning. He assured me that his word was his honor, and that he would continue to grant me this boon until such time as I no longer provided correct answers—at which point I, a rare magic-user, would be sacrificed to the great Wyrm, in order to obtain her “blessing”.

So here I find myself. I’ve answered two riddles so far. Neither was particularly clever. If this trend continues, I can probably stay alive for quite some time. But is this really even living? Spending my time in a darkened cell, with only a few pilfered trinkets for my amusement? I’ve no way to escape. My magical abilities are useless without mana, and I’ve been given hardly enough food to live on, let alone enough to regain my supernatural powers.

My only shard of hope at this point lies with the Girl. I spotted her, once, hiding in an alcove with a glowing plant at her side. I assume she saw me. She must’ve. It raised my spirits considerably to find that she’d come for me after all, and hadn’t merely turned away when she saw me disappear in the Sea of Acid. My reassurance was short-lived, however, for upon the fifth day of my captivity, I overheard talk of another group present in the stomach. A group with weapons and intent to kill. A group comprised of the only thing worse than bowelbears, trollons, and gallblins.

French pirates.


-Guy.IAD

Guy vs. Volcanoctopus - STRIFE!

Previously, inside a dragon…

As I belted out carol after joyful carol, I heard the sound of churning acid nearby. My head whipped round just in time to see a massive tentacle—spotted with sores and covered in a thick, orange slime—erupt from the mire. I barely had a moment to react before I was suddenly entwined about my waist. I drew the only weapon I had on hand and pummeled the creature mercilessly, but to no avail. I guess it must’ve been immune to Rachel Ray. Next thing I knew I was airborne: my bag of loot tumbled free as another tentacle rose and crushed the kayak, sending shards of lightweight wood in every direction. I spun about through the hot stomach air, shouting and trying to wriggle loose. Now the body of a great Volcanoctopus splashed to the surface the pool. I heard a rumbling cry of hunger and rage ring out from the monster’s beak, as the disgusting, bulbous head wobbled like month-old Jello, black and moldy. Except with lava spots. I knew then that things were dire, for a creature of this strength would be a fearsome foe indeed. Around me was naught but the dim glow of the acid. Would there be no respite? Could I not find some means to escape my fate? Was this the end?

And that’s when I spotted the Girl.

My rapidly pulsing heart still found time to skip a beat. She was breathtaking! I could scarcely believe so fair a lady had chanced to end up inside this dragon with me, alive no less. Now, granted, given the isolation I’d experienced up to that point, even a female Bugbear would’ve seemed a sight for sore eyes… but still! She was seated some distance away upon a raft constructed from beer casks and other refuse found floating in the acid lake. I tried to call to her, but the constriction around my torso was tightening, and it was all I could do to breathe. Thankfully, she noticed me—how could she not, given the tremendous noise of the Volcanoctopus and the disruption in the acid—but instead of moving to act, she paused to chat with some sort of unusual vine affixed to the rear of her vessel. I could only watch in confusion as she and plant appeared to converse. Was she a Druid, perhaps? Regardless, whatever aid she might’ve provided came too late, for just as quickly as my hopes rose, they sank again, along with the rest of my body. The creature’s next meal was at hand… er, tentacle. Me.

And now, the conclusion:

I found myself mumbling one of the few protective spells I knew: an endurance charm that would grant me temporary immunity to the effects of the acid and, hopefully, the impending blunt trauma of the Volcanoctopus’ beak. But alas! My mana, depleted at this critical moment! I could sense that I only had enough energy left for one or two small spells. Curses! As I twirled beneath the warm, stinging liquid, moving ever closer to the mouth of the beast, I felt despair overtake me. This was it. Journey’s end. No phoenix down to save me. Think Guy, think!

The Orb of Arching Bolts in my pocket sent out a tiny spark, pricking my leg like a thorn.

As if spoken by divine providence, I suddenly knew the path that lay before me. Only one shot at this… needed to make it count. I drew the crystalline sphere from my pocket and focused as best I could—which wasn’t saying much, since I was still a) underacid, b) gripped by a semi-molten tentacle, and c) about to die. The Vocanoctopus had dragged me deep into the acid lake in record time, causing my head to throb with the increased pressure. Now it decided to consume the choice morsel it’d found. Nom! I was inside the beak. The creature’s rough tongue scraped against my flesh. Mere seconds to act.

So long, light source. It’s been fun.

With nary more than an anticlimactic stream of bubbles, I used the last of my mana to shatter the Orb.

Immediately, a shockwave erupted outward, electrocuting me—but only a little—and completely frying the Volcanoctopus. It emitted a horrendous dying cry and spat me out, as tendrils of lightning weaved across its supple body like ants crawling over a fresh slice of watermelon dropped onto their hill. I didn't have much time to celebrate, as I was now adrift deep beneath a huge lake of acid, and had about five seconds of consciousness left before I drowned.

Yet it seemed fortune was to smile upon me again, for at that moment I saw and felt radiant waves of golden light leap around me, and I gained a level. My mana, health, and air, instantly restored! Yes! I felt my mind expand with new spells, the nature of which I hadn’t time to quite contemplate at that moment. I cast a breath charm and a fortitude charm, and started toward the surface.

Or would have, except at that moment, a strange muscular contraction opened a wide hole in the stomach lining below me. I tumbled through the passage in a torrent of acid, and fell into darkness, landing hard on something even harder. My eyes slid shut as I lost consciousness.

-Guy.IAD

The Girl's Quest

I had the most bizarre dream last night. I dreamt I was a grad student and starving artist with no time to write on a blog... Funny that.

Anyways, things have been pretty busy for me inside the dragon since the new year. I have obtained a quest!

It all began Christmas eve. I was floating along the stomach in my makeshift boat, debating the existence of an omnipotent DM with my dear friend the vine (he's an a-die-ist), when all of a sudden I heard a voice from across the acid. At first I thought it was the assassin vine, casting ventriloquism in a meagre attempt to distract and subsequently strangle me, but it got closer and closer until I could distinguish the words.

"I don't want a lot for Christmas/There's just one thing I need/I don't care about the loot/Underneath the dead treant/I just want you and me to pwn/More than you could ever know/Make my wish come true/All I want for Christmas--"

Suddenly a tentacle erupted from the stomach fluid (and I mean, like, erupted, it was probably a volcanoctopus or something) and grabbed the mysterious singer. I had to think quick--if I wanted to save this guy, I needed to know I was with something I could trust. I turned to the assassin vine and explained the situation to it--offering it freedom and a life of endless meandering through stomach acid or a life of adventure, companionship, and one day-I prayed-friendship. I gave it my coldest of contractual looks (I have some cold contractual looks, btw) and held my hand out to it. "The choice is yours," I said.

It hesitated for a moment, then wrapped its 'hand' around mine. We held our grasps firm, but true. I knew I had an ally at last.

We sped off towards where the tentacle had grabbed the singer, but found nothing but kayak pieces and some splinters from a cask of Dwarven IPA. What was he thinking, drinking IPA in a place like this?

Since that day I've been searching for the mysterious voice. I know its against the odds, but somehow I know he's still alive.

It's going to be a difficult quest, but hey, it's not like I have anything else to do. Besides, I think luck is on my side. When the vine and I shook hands, a bright light encompassed me and I leveled up. The GM in the sky must have liked my role-playing, I now have some nifty spells and can finally purify water!

Questing,
Girl.IAD

Carols

When we last left our intrepid, enchanted, electrical hero, he’d just come upon a powerful light source that perfectly complemented his magical capabilities. Coincidence? Deus ex machina? Hard to say! Regardless, with his trusty Orb of Arching Bolts, our explorer friend was able to venture deeper than ever into the cavernous belly of the draconic titan whose stomach remains his simultaneous home and prison.

It’s pretty gross down here, you guys.

The dragon’s digestive system appears to resemble that of a bovine, but with more flames and a greatly increased capacity. Unless it was a dire cow. Those things are fucking huge. Anyway. There must be more than one stomach to hold all of this food and perform the necessary digestive processes. The dimensions of the stomachs—I know not if there are more than two, but so far, two—are mind-boggling: after I shuffled through the narrow tube connecting the two guts, I tumbled headfirst into a huge lake of acid stretching far beyond the reach of my light. Thankfully I landed near a couple floating barrels of Dwarven IPA. This stuff is really nasty, usually. Despite their reputation for brewing, dwarves do not make good IPA. Simple fact. I was able to clamber aboard one of them and float around for a bit. But this wouldn’t do. I needed to find a better means of transit. What hope had I for reaching solid (squishy) ground by drifting idly on a barrel? Was I destined to float aimlessly around this endless ocean of bile?

And then I spotted the kayak.

I’m cruising now! I can’t believe my good luck! This kayak is crafted from Highland Bladewood, arguably the lightest and most useful type of timber for boat construction. There was no paddle, but I smashed the beer barrel, dumped the swill from inside, and built makeshift oars. I felt a bit like Calvin from my favorite comic strip: destroying the contents of the cardboard box and keeping the box to play with. But seriously, Dwarven IPA is undrinkable. Ask anyone. Stout, okay. Porter, sure. But not IPA.

I’m in such a good mood that I’ve decided to sing some Christmas songs. It’s almost the day we commemorate the birth of Sir Isaac Newton, after all! Also Clara Barton, Louis Chevrolet, Dark Warder Baxeni Thundercry, Humphrey Bogart, Jimmy Buffett, and Dynina, Lady of the Land of Pure Light. I like to make holidays efficient by celebrating as many things as possible at once.

Sloshing through the flow / of acid every day / o’er this lake I float / a dragon yet to slay! / hope he won’t take wing / for then I’d catch a flight / yes, me and all my awesome loot / careening out of sight!  Oh!

Siiiiilent night / hooooly night / saaaalvged steak / taaaaastes all right / haaad I naught but a kniiife and fooork / Iiii think beeeef tastes beeetter than pooork / sweeeet, some old rusty keeeeeeys, maybe I’ll just eat with theeese…

Last Christmas / I rolled 10 on Fort / but in the next play you cast / Ray of Decay / this year / I’ll fight against Fear / cuz my saves are quite especial…

-was that a tentacle?

Ahhh!

Guy.IAD

Lost & Found

I’m seriously lost down here now. I tried to find my stomachmarks in the wake of my recent cooking catastrophe and aerial adventure—still haven’t seen that helmet or any of my old supplies—but when I finally landed I was hopelessly disoriented. It doesn’t help that the only source of light I have in here is little bursts of static electricity I can create when I snap my fingers. Makes it hard to find my way around when I get tired of snapping. I’ve got to find another means of making light. I attempted to ignite a rag on a stick—okay, actually a dry piece of leather affixed to a femur—with my Volt spell to make a torch, but all I did was vaporize the hide and make the bone explode. Ouch. Probably shouldn’t’ve done that. Now I’ve got a small burn on my hand and a very blackened chunk of what was once a cow, I think. Anyway.

Being inside a dragon has given me a new angle to reflect on life. I hope you’ll pardon a minor dissertation on the matter: I shan’t go on too long, I promise. So here I am. In a dragon. I’m officially food. But I’m still alive, and so far I have no reason to think the dragon is able to obtain any kind of nourishment from me while I remain as such. After all, don’t you need to absorb the nutrients from things in order to count them as food? I mean, if you eat something and throw it up later, you didn’t really eat it did you? So anyway, with me still alive I can’t really be counted as food.

What does that make me, then? I’m an intruder here in the stomach. Not a willing one, sure, but still. Does that make me a parasite? I’ve been eating (or trying to eat) the food that’s supposed to be for the dragon. Parasites are one-way deals though. They don’t give anything back to the host. And while you can rest assured I won’t be sending this dragon a Christmas card in a few weeks or a Facebook post on it’s birthday, I still feel like the dragon get something out of this deal: namely, whatever nutrients it’s absorbing from my legs as I wander around in here. Also, I’ve taken the liberty of organizing the various dead livestock I come upon so they’re easier for the dragon to absorb. The fuller it feels, the less often it will take off and send me on wild journeys though the hot air like I’m on the business end of the gravity gun in Half-Life 2. Plus it looks way better in here now. Tidiness is important!

So we’re kind of symbiotic, in a weird way. I’m a living source of nutrition, and the dragon has the courtesy to keep eating stuff that I can eat. Plus there’s sweet loot in here. Seriously sweet loot. Even though I don’t know where I am anymore, I’ve been gathering what I can from around the area just in case I need it later. If I can find somewhere pretty stable, I might be able to build a hut or something. So far I’ve acquired a tattered messenger bag, a couple of throwing daggers, some gemstones, and a soggy copy of Every Day with Rachel Ray from August ’08. Who was keeping this magazine? Why? Whatever. Time to rummage through another pile of adventurer bones.

Oh hell yes! I found something super awesome in here: an Orb of Arching Bolts. I used to have one of these when I was a kid. It’s a baseball-sized glass sphere, cool white in color (okay, yes, it looks like a light bulb), and when it’s struck with electricity it lights up like one of those awesome plasma orbs. You ever play with one of those? They’re crazy. I always wondered what would happen if you broke the glass. I lived in perpetual fear of doing just that: what if when you broke it the little plasma spirit inside came out and latched onto you? You’d shock everyone you touched. Makes it hard to mack on the ladies, know what I’m sayin’?

Okay. Light source: got it. Any idea where I am: no. Baby steps. Baby steps. I think I’ll head toward the narrow section I saw a while ago. I thought I heard the sound of oars in water… must’ve been my imagination.

-Guy.IAD

Smooth Sailing

I've found a brilliant way to stay dry in the dragon's stomach while moving around. While I was wandering around, doing my daily scavenge for undigested vegetables (I'm a vegetarian and am not quite hungry enough to start eating meat. Did you know that, while beholders make excellent and cost-effective shepherds, they brutally eviscerate nearly half of all our meat products for their own sick pleasure? It's really too cruel and I just can't support an industry that encourages creatures with eyestalks that can inflict serious wounds to play with my food). Where was I? Oh yes, when I was scavenging for some cruelty-free veggies I found a few barrels of beer.

I know, I know, I probably should have saved all the beer and dealt with being slowly digested through a long, lonely binge, but I was sort of desperate to stop the burning that was beginning on my legs. So I filled my fair-trade, synthetic waterskin with the stuff and broke the barrels open. I've fashioned a sort of canoe from the planks and am now quite dry (if not somewhat tipsy). I'm concerned that the stomach acid will eventually wear down the wood of the boat, but for now I'm wonderfully dry, even slightly comfortable.

While I was drifting in a large lake of acid, I made another great find. I found an assassin vine creeping about and tied it to the back of my boat. Now I have quick and easy access to its hearty but bitter fruit at any time! I just need to make sure it doesn't try to entangle me in my sleep...

I also found a helmet drifting in the digestive fluids. It looked like it had some kind of stew in it recently, there were little bits of meat sort of burnt to the bottom. There wasn't much, but I fed it to the assassin vine in hopes that we can reach some sort of understanding, maybe even form a symbiotic relationship, if you know what I mean. I tried to explain to it how I'm really on its side as an environmentalist and all and it shouldn't really be angry that I'm eating its berries and dragging it through the stomach of a dragon. I think it understood... But just in case, I think I'll try to keep it satiated.

-Girl.IAD

Hunger Pains

Several days have now passed. I am all but certain that the Ring of Acid Resistance the Elves gave me is the only thing keeping me from dissolving into a melty, gooey pile of slush here in this hostile environment. Still, I find myself a growing a bit peckish. Perhaps I can devise a method for preparing some food?

The first step is to figure out what I have on hand. Let’s see. Plenty of animal meat, that much is clear, though some of it is admittedly not particularly well-preserved. Is this dragon a scavenger? Maybe. I’ve seen a few human corpses in here, but I’m not ready to stoop to cannibalism. I don’t want to contract some weird CTI (cannibalisticly transmitted infection). No thanks. The stomach acid itself is only remotely appetizing. It might make a decent sauce, with the right reductions… but I’m getting ahead of myself.

One of the other things I’ve tried to do in the last few days is begin to learn to navigate the stomach. There aren’t many landmarks here (stomachmarks?), and admittedly things tend to slosh about, but I’ve spotted a few memorable items: a set of ticks in one wall, a collection of gold piles (one of which looked as though it had been sat upon at some point; I found a merlot-stained wineglass beside it), and of course the flarynx (the most obvious first choice for a navigation point). There’s also a very, very dark space leading to what I can only assume is the lower portion of the digestive system. I haven’t gone down there yet. Don’t think I will.

While coming up with a method for finding my way around down here, I began collecting trinkets and other items that might be of use. I’ve located a couple of rusty skeleton keys, a broken sword hilt, a dazzling, vaguely spoon-shaped emerald, and a license plate from Oregon (well known for its dragons—perhaps this beast is from there) reading WHTDRGN. Coincidence? Not sure. My best find so far though? A knight’s helmet. With tassel. Aw yeah. I plunked that baby on my skull—forgetting that it was full of acid, and thus drenching myself—and wandered around, no longer fearing head injuries.

But now I have an idea. A wild, crazy idea. This helmet might form a convenient cook pot, and with a bit of acid, plus some bones and chunks of beef… hm. I found a few carrots too—admittedly inside the belly of a horse, but they’re not digested!—so those could help out. Yes. I think this will work.

I found a flat spot and stuck the keys and sword straight down in the stomach lining with the license plate on top to form a little platform. Next I put the helmet on top of the license plate. My magical training is limited. I never learned to make fire. However, lightning is another story…

Electrically superheated license plate + makeshift stew pot + random ingredients = delicious? Sure smells that way! I’m really looking forward to this!

…

Fuck. Dragon lifted off, sending everything flying and knocking me halfway across the stomach. I almost caught the helmet as it went zooming off, but all I managed to do was smack it and knock all the stew out. And burn my hand.

Guess I’m going hungry for a little while longer. Thank goodness for this nutrient-rich Ring of Nourishment I’m also wearing.

-Guy.IAD

Fireworks!

Romance, as you might expect, is hard to come by in the stomach of a dragon, but who's to say it can't be found?

Last night I had difficulty sleeping; I just couldn't seem to get comfortable in my hammock (the changes in altitude make things tricky), so I decided to take a small walk. I remembered reading once that dragons have hearts made of pure fire, so I set off to where I thought was up to see if I could get a look at it through the layers of tissue.

Of course I ended up getting lost, no one ever thinks to study dragon anatomy beyond 'this is where the fire comes out' and 'these are the pointy parts you should avoid.' Anyways, I stumbled across a rare discovery--a dry spot!

It looks like I'm inside a serious treasure-hoarder. The dragon has a dry place in its stomach where all the gold it has swallowed have formed a sort of alluvial sandbank. It's snug against a wall of stomach lining, and while it isn't the most comfortable place to sit, the stench is a little weaker and it gave me some time to let my clothes dry and think over my situation.

Blogging and copious amounts of treasure are fine and all, but a girl has needs. I was just thinking that it sure would be nice if the dragon would swallow a dance party of gorgeous men for me when the most amazing thing happened.

I don't know if there were fireworks or a crazy sunrise or what, but all of a sudden there were huge bursts of colorful light outside the dragon! I managed to find an ornate wine vessel nestled amongst the wondrous items. I drank wine while watching the light-show and had a great time of it, despite the serious lack of dancing men.

There must have been others enjoying it too, I heard some faint shouts in the direction the lights were coming from. So romantic!

-Girl.IAD

Time Passes

I've begun attempting to devise a timekeeping system for myself here. My watch was smashed during the swallowing process. But I've started to figure out how long it takes certain things to dissolve, and using this method, I can sort of get a feel for how much time is passing. Guts and organs usually go first, within perhaps two hours. Skin takes longer. Maybe five hours. Bones take the longest, so they're not of much use. Also, the dragon eats on a regular basis, so when something fresh comes tumbling in, showering me with a cascade of its hot, sticky innards, I at least know it's been about twelve hours. That's how often dragons eat. Or were you not aware? What do they teach in that school of yours?

Comments on my telepathic blog posts appear to return to me as echoes in the dragon's stomach. This makes for some rather odd situations, as I've already found myself at least once today shouting, "I disagree with your point but I respect your right to hold your own opinion!" Which seems silly when the only things around you are fleshy stomach walls, pools of digestive juice, and chunks of various dead things. Still, it's nice to know my words are being read. Now if only I could devise a means of signaling someone on the outside as to which dragon I'm in. There are so many around, you know. Hard to keep track. And I can't expect someone to go around slicing up every dragon until they find me. It's illegal.

I came upon something resembling a hammock today. I have no idea how it got here, but it looked comfy so I rested in it. I couldn't help but wonder why the dragon would eat a hammock made of skins from dead animals, which it had also eaten. Perhaps it made the hammock for me and then consumed it? That would be very courteous. Further investigation is necessary.

I'm beginning to wonder why I haven't melted away yet. Perhaps those blessings I received from the Elves really are working after all! I knew saving their Princess was a good idea.

-Guy.IAD

The Reptile Question

As I sit amidst the slime and detritus here inside this dragon's stomach, I can't help but ponder something: are dragons reptiles? This question deserves a moment of my now ample free time.

I have no reference tools here in the murk. No Wikipedia. No Yahoo! Answers. Guess I'm just going to need to use what I can remember from high school biology and power though. Hope you taught me well, science teacher whose name I can't recall due to the excruciating pain from the digestive acids!

Reptiles are, like, scaly and stuff. They have crazy eyes. Sometimes they can climb on walls and ceilings, but sometimes they're snakes and have no arms. How do snakes get anything done? That's what I want to know. Snakes are like nature's joke. "Hey, let's make one with no arms or legs," Nature said, laughing to herself (itself? himself? Am I being gender-biased?) "Let's see if it can function like that." Mostly I wonder how snakes have sex. There's, like, nothing exciting about it. No arms or legs, right? Where's the fun in that? Or maybe that would make it more fun. I really don't know. I may not have a chance to find out, being trapped in this dragon's stomach more or less alone. I thought I heard a voice a while ago, and for a second I thought I saw the shadow of a rabbit being consumed by a serpent... but it was probably my imagination.

Anyway, the most critical piece of information of all: cold blood. Reptiles have cold blood. There's certainly a lot of liquid in here, but none of it is blood, nor is any of it cold. I'm pretty sure it's all hot and melty. Maybe their blood melts things. Does reptile blood melt steel? I know I read that somewhere. Oh, and it cures a variety of diseases too, right? Hepatitis, polio, stigmatism, arthritis, and incompetence. That's a diesase, right? So yeah, cold blood. It's heated by the sun. They lay in the sun all day so they can stay warm. That would suck to have to lay in the sun and get all dried out. Maybe that's why they're scaly. They'd have smooth, soft skin if they didn't need to lay in the sun.

Do dragons have cold blood? If they do, they're probably reptiles. But they breathe fire! How can their blood be cold? Okay, they're scaly. And they lay eggs. Reptiles lay eggs. Can you eat reptile eggs? I've never heard of anyone doing that. Maybe they're amazing and no one has tried. I'm not sure. But I can tell you this: reptiles do not usually eat people. Dragons do. That's a point against you, dragons!

Okay, breakdown here. Reptiles: cold blood, lay eggs, scales, climb walls except when snakes. Dragons: don't climb walls but can fly, lay eggs, blood temperature uncertain, scales.

Half-reptile? This question requires more research. I'll keep looking around. Maybe I can find some of the dragon's blood, or a textbook somewhere in here.

-GuyInsideADragon, or Guy.IAD

How did this happen?

I appear to be inside a dragon. This is most unfortunate. Thank the Gods for my telepathic blogging abilities; at least now I can inform the outside world of my predicament.

But what to say? I must think on the matter. Luckily I will have plenty of time to consider the difficult conundrum of topic selection, for as noted, I am currently inside a motherfucking dragon. Quite a situation.

-GuyInsideADragon