When we last left our intrepid, enchanted, electrical hero, he’d just come upon a powerful light source that perfectly complemented his magical capabilities. Coincidence? Deus ex machina? Hard to say! Regardless, with his trusty Orb of Arching Bolts, our explorer friend was able to venture deeper than ever into the cavernous belly of the draconic titan whose stomach remains his simultaneous home and prison.

It’s pretty gross down here, you guys.

The dragon’s digestive system appears to resemble that of a bovine, but with more flames and a greatly increased capacity. Unless it was a dire cow. Those things are fucking huge. Anyway. There must be more than one stomach to hold all of this food and perform the necessary digestive processes. The dimensions of the stomachs—I know not if there are more than two, but so far, two—are mind-boggling: after I shuffled through the narrow tube connecting the two guts, I tumbled headfirst into a huge lake of acid stretching far beyond the reach of my light. Thankfully I landed near a couple floating barrels of Dwarven IPA. This stuff is really nasty, usually. Despite their reputation for brewing, dwarves do not make good IPA. Simple fact. I was able to clamber aboard one of them and float around for a bit. But this wouldn’t do. I needed to find a better means of transit. What hope had I for reaching solid (squishy) ground by drifting idly on a barrel? Was I destined to float aimlessly around this endless ocean of bile?

And then I spotted the kayak.

I’m cruising now! I can’t believe my good luck! This kayak is crafted from Highland Bladewood, arguably the lightest and most useful type of timber for boat construction. There was no paddle, but I smashed the beer barrel, dumped the swill from inside, and built makeshift oars. I felt a bit like Calvin from my favorite comic strip: destroying the contents of the cardboard box and keeping the box to play with. But seriously, Dwarven IPA is undrinkable. Ask anyone. Stout, okay. Porter, sure. But not IPA.

I’m in such a good mood that I’ve decided to sing some Christmas songs. It’s almost the day we commemorate the birth of Sir Isaac Newton, after all! Also Clara Barton, Louis Chevrolet, Dark Warder Baxeni Thundercry, Humphrey Bogart, Jimmy Buffett, and Dynina, Lady of the Land of Pure Light. I like to make holidays efficient by celebrating as many things as possible at once.

Sloshing through the flow / of acid every day / o’er this lake I float / a dragon yet to slay! / hope he won’t take wing / for then I’d catch a flight / yes, me and all my awesome loot / careening out of sight!  Oh!

Siiiiilent night / hooooly night / saaaalvged steak / taaaaastes all right / haaad I naught but a kniiife and fooork / Iiii think beeeef tastes beeetter than pooork / sweeeet, some old rusty keeeeeeys, maybe I’ll just eat with theeese…

Last Christmas / I rolled 10 on Fort / but in the next play you cast / Ray of Decay / this year / I’ll fight against Fear / cuz my saves are quite especial…

-was that a tentacle?




Holiday Spirit

The assassin vine and I have become close friends. I think it's beginning to understand me when I talk to it, and I think it even tries to comfort me when I cry (it really gets me, you know). The thing will try to pat me on the shoulder or wipe away my tears. I almost feel bad for singeing it every time it comes close to my neck... It doesn't make for great conversation, but it's something.

Anyway, it came to my attention this week that Christmas is right around the corner, (The dragon has started eating an abundance of carolers and elves...) and I thought I'd make a Christmas list.

Now, normally I just ask friends and family to donate to causes I believe in, and everyone is still welcome to do that. I'd like to specifically put a plug this year for the Save the Gazebos fund. These rare, majestic, and mostly peaceful creatures have been hunted and persecuted for ages. But can you even imagine a grassy gnoll without a gazebo? It's just wrong!! Remember kids, only you can prevent gazebo extinction. Donate today!

Anyways, even though I don't normally ask for items for Christmas (being a minimalist and all), there are a few things I'd like this year:

  • Bag of holding (for all those little things I find in the dragon. My favorite color is blue, btw.)
  • Robe of useful items (hey, who doesn't want useful items?)
  • A tome of leadership and influence (I'm thinking of starting an assassin vine collective once I get out of here. Apparently they're super oppressed and stuff, Viney has been telling me about it.)
  • Bracers of epic health (stomach acids and all...)
  • A flashlight (something bright would be nice)
  • A bazooka (so I can blast my way out of this stupid monster)
I hope everyone is in the Christmas spirit! I think I heard someone singing Christmas songs earlier today, but maybe it was just the vine crying to itself. 

Peace on Earth and all that!