Just Like 2012 But Not

I guess it was inevitable that things would take a turn for the worse. Even though it seemed unlikely to begin with, somehow the Girl and I managed to at last cross paths. Yet no sooner were we finally starting to entertain the notion of a conversation (or smooches) than our first (and hopefully not last) opportunity vanished. And when I say vanished, I actually mean "was eaten". But I get ahead of myself.

I've gotten ahead of myself before. Never drink and time travel.

Let's rewind a bit: we're on top of the tower. I'd just said, "Hey" and was grinning like a big doofus (no, that doesn't mean what you think it means. The doofus is a noble creature; I specifically imitated its grin because I knew the Girl was some sort of Druid, and thus I needed to impress her with my knowledge of animal lore), when suddenly we heard the unmistakable beeping of an electromagnetic pulse grenade. A platoon of bowelbears was hut-hut-huting their way up the stairs, and one had just chucked the bomb around the corner. It rolled up to our feet.

I immediately shouted for the Girl to take cover, and mumbled a spell to activate my absorptive shield. It should've allowed me to drain the energy from the blast and transform it into mana. Unfortunately, the lone EMP grenade was soon among friends; the bowelbears tossed a few more explosives into the room, probably for good measure. I didn't recognize the others.

Time for plan B. I grabbed the Girl's hand--she already seemed to know what I was thinking. The vine coiled itself around her like a belt, and we jumped.

But we jumped too late. The EMP went first, and although I deflected and consumed its energy, the vacuum it created pulled the other grenades toward us, which--if you know anything about grenades--is seriously not good. Whatever was in them knocked us flying at high speed, and off we went.

The sounds of battle faded rapidly, for obvious reasons. Our salvation from a splattery demise on the dragon floor turned out to be the faithful vine. As we tumbled head over heels into love (and through the air), we passed by a number of dangling structures. The vine lashed out, snagging one and immediately slowing our flight. But alas! The poor vine became lodged against whatever it'd grabbed, and we lost it. The Girl and I continued forward, crashing through a few membranes before finally coming to a halt.

I'll accelerate the tale from here. The vine didn't return, so I assumed it injured or lost. I couldn't go looking for it because the Girl had taken the brunt of an influenza grenade and was desperately ill. Instead I fortified the area as best I could, made a fire, and tended to her. A nearby treasure deposit provided clothing and supplies--did you know I almost went to the Occult University? They were shut down at the last minute. Something about vampiric cucumbers filled with sunlight. Can't remember now.

Three days went by. The Girl and I had numerous meaningful conversations, or at least we did in my head, because all she could do was murmur "fair-trade" and "organic" in reply to any query. But it was enough to be near her. Her hair was long and tangled. She wore simple pirate garb, and looked healthy considering the artificial disease that had incapacitated her.

She woke up free of infection on the third day, as I slept. I found her curled up against me.

It was a pretty nice moment.

But as I said, this perfect opportunity slipped away in an instant. I'd finally concocted the perfect opening line--"So, what's a nice girl like you doing in a dragon like this?"--and was about to say it, when suddenly the hot air shook with an all-too-familiar roar. A dragon's roar.

The flap of massive wings. A flash of scales. Huge teeth. A warm tongue, and a steaming mouth. Tumbling, turning, spinning, sliding. Darker darkness than the darkness to which I'd already become accustomed. The Girl shouting, and her hand slipping from mine.

Ugh, not again.

-Guy.IAD

Bowelstille Day

It was a mess out there. Quite literally a mess. I mean, I was expecting a gruesome sight, but this was just untidy. The pirates had upset trash bins and broken windows. They were scattering debris about with reckless abandon. The tribes, meanwhile, were doing all they could to fight through intense sneezing and coughing. The acrid air was misty with pollen.

“This your doing?” I asked the vine, not expecting an answer. It shook. I drew my sword and began searching for my ticket out: the Girl. I scampered into an alley and used a discarded grapnel to scale a roof. From here I could see the most curious sight I’d yet encountered inside the dragon: a scale model of the Eiffel Tower, with its top aflame like a candle on a flesh-flavored birthday cake.

Wait… fire? The Girl!

With the vine coiled about my torso like a bandolier, I lunged from rooftop to rooftop, avoiding all the conflict on the streets below. And what conflict it was! Bowelbears casting minor cantrips to dazzle the pirates before running them through. Pirates lifting gallblins by the ears and hurling them about as though they were juggling pins. It was chaos, and all the while the endless plop of wet muskets and achoo from most everyone. I myself avoided the pollen’s effects by clever use of a handkerchief from my pack.

I reached the base of the tower to find it brimming with pirates. No way I was getting in without a disguise. There was a dead one in a nearby alley whose outfit was mostly intact. “If I must…” I groaned as I removed his stripey shirt and stupid beret.

“Let me pass!” I bellowed to the guard, and was allowed inside. In a flash I made my way up the narrow staircase—why was this tower even here, I finally let myself wonder—and soon reached the landing at the top…

To find the Girl dangling helplessly in the grip of a very ugly, very massive, very dangerous-looking trollon in a pirate costume. He (or she, it was hard to tell, although I guess the true answer is it because trollon have no sexes) had the woman by the throat, and was looking about ready to hurl her over the side to a painful death below.

“Zis iz ze end of ze road for you, druuuid!” the trollon cackled. The beast readied its petrifying vision ability.

Didn’t I mention that trollons have petrifying vision? They do. They don’t use it often, and only the really smart ones even know how, but once in a while they can fire a beam from their eyes that turns the victim to stone. It’s quite unnerving. And can have hilarious results for the trollons who aren’t properly trained in its use. Which includes most of them. I overheard more than one story about a trollon accidentally petrifying a coworker or friend over a cup of what passed for coffee in this hellhole.

Anyway, the trollon was distracted. Time to make my move. But what to do? I thought as quickly as I could. If I fired electricity, it’d cook the Girl along with the foe. If I threw a blade, it might strike her, and it'd use its vision power anyway. I needed a way to turn its power… against it… that’s it! I moved swiftly.

“Zut alors! Your baguette is showing!” I hollered.

“Eh!?” the trollon gasped, turning its head and firing the eye beam.

Directly into the mirror I now held in my hands.

The trollon released the Girl and staggered back, its flesh turning to stone before my eyes. “Non… noooon!” it howled, and then fell over, now a statue. The Girl fell wheezing to the floor, but rose moments later. I felt the vine unwrap itself from my chest and watched it crawl to her side. At last, I stood before her: this ravishing woman who may just be the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen, inside or outside a dragon.

“Hey,” she said. Think Guy, think! Say something clever!

I went with, “Hey.”

-Guy.IAD