Just Like 2012 But Not

I guess it was inevitable that things would take a turn for the worse. Even though it seemed unlikely to begin with, somehow the Girl and I managed to at last cross paths. Yet no sooner were we finally starting to entertain the notion of a conversation (or smooches) than our first (and hopefully not last) opportunity vanished. And when I say vanished, I actually mean "was eaten". But I get ahead of myself.

I've gotten ahead of myself before. Never drink and time travel.

Let's rewind a bit: we're on top of the tower. I'd just said, "Hey" and was grinning like a big doofus (no, that doesn't mean what you think it means. The doofus is a noble creature; I specifically imitated its grin because I knew the Girl was some sort of Druid, and thus I needed to impress her with my knowledge of animal lore), when suddenly we heard the unmistakable beeping of an electromagnetic pulse grenade. A platoon of bowelbears was hut-hut-huting their way up the stairs, and one had just chucked the bomb around the corner. It rolled up to our feet.

I immediately shouted for the Girl to take cover, and mumbled a spell to activate my absorptive shield. It should've allowed me to drain the energy from the blast and transform it into mana. Unfortunately, the lone EMP grenade was soon among friends; the bowelbears tossed a few more explosives into the room, probably for good measure. I didn't recognize the others.

Time for plan B. I grabbed the Girl's hand--she already seemed to know what I was thinking. The vine coiled itself around her like a belt, and we jumped.

But we jumped too late. The EMP went first, and although I deflected and consumed its energy, the vacuum it created pulled the other grenades toward us, which--if you know anything about grenades--is seriously not good. Whatever was in them knocked us flying at high speed, and off we went.

The sounds of battle faded rapidly, for obvious reasons. Our salvation from a splattery demise on the dragon floor turned out to be the faithful vine. As we tumbled head over heels into love (and through the air), we passed by a number of dangling structures. The vine lashed out, snagging one and immediately slowing our flight. But alas! The poor vine became lodged against whatever it'd grabbed, and we lost it. The Girl and I continued forward, crashing through a few membranes before finally coming to a halt.

I'll accelerate the tale from here. The vine didn't return, so I assumed it injured or lost. I couldn't go looking for it because the Girl had taken the brunt of an influenza grenade and was desperately ill. Instead I fortified the area as best I could, made a fire, and tended to her. A nearby treasure deposit provided clothing and supplies--did you know I almost went to the Occult University? They were shut down at the last minute. Something about vampiric cucumbers filled with sunlight. Can't remember now.

Three days went by. The Girl and I had numerous meaningful conversations, or at least we did in my head, because all she could do was murmur "fair-trade" and "organic" in reply to any query. But it was enough to be near her. Her hair was long and tangled. She wore simple pirate garb, and looked healthy considering the artificial disease that had incapacitated her.

She woke up free of infection on the third day, as I slept. I found her curled up against me.

It was a pretty nice moment.

But as I said, this perfect opportunity slipped away in an instant. I'd finally concocted the perfect opening line--"So, what's a nice girl like you doing in a dragon like this?"--and was about to say it, when suddenly the hot air shook with an all-too-familiar roar. A dragon's roar.

The flap of massive wings. A flash of scales. Huge teeth. A warm tongue, and a steaming mouth. Tumbling, turning, spinning, sliding. Darker darkness than the darkness to which I'd already become accustomed. The Girl shouting, and her hand slipping from mine.

Ugh, not again.

-Guy.IAD

Bowelstille Day

It was a mess out there. Quite literally a mess. I mean, I was expecting a gruesome sight, but this was just untidy. The pirates had upset trash bins and broken windows. They were scattering debris about with reckless abandon. The tribes, meanwhile, were doing all they could to fight through intense sneezing and coughing. The acrid air was misty with pollen.

“This your doing?” I asked the vine, not expecting an answer. It shook. I drew my sword and began searching for my ticket out: the Girl. I scampered into an alley and used a discarded grapnel to scale a roof. From here I could see the most curious sight I’d yet encountered inside the dragon: a scale model of the Eiffel Tower, with its top aflame like a candle on a flesh-flavored birthday cake.

Wait… fire? The Girl!

With the vine coiled about my torso like a bandolier, I lunged from rooftop to rooftop, avoiding all the conflict on the streets below. And what conflict it was! Bowelbears casting minor cantrips to dazzle the pirates before running them through. Pirates lifting gallblins by the ears and hurling them about as though they were juggling pins. It was chaos, and all the while the endless plop of wet muskets and achoo from most everyone. I myself avoided the pollen’s effects by clever use of a handkerchief from my pack.

I reached the base of the tower to find it brimming with pirates. No way I was getting in without a disguise. There was a dead one in a nearby alley whose outfit was mostly intact. “If I must…” I groaned as I removed his stripey shirt and stupid beret.

“Let me pass!” I bellowed to the guard, and was allowed inside. In a flash I made my way up the narrow staircase—why was this tower even here, I finally let myself wonder—and soon reached the landing at the top…

To find the Girl dangling helplessly in the grip of a very ugly, very massive, very dangerous-looking trollon in a pirate costume. He (or she, it was hard to tell, although I guess the true answer is it because trollon have no sexes) had the woman by the throat, and was looking about ready to hurl her over the side to a painful death below.

“Zis iz ze end of ze road for you, druuuid!” the trollon cackled. The beast readied its petrifying vision ability.

Didn’t I mention that trollons have petrifying vision? They do. They don’t use it often, and only the really smart ones even know how, but once in a while they can fire a beam from their eyes that turns the victim to stone. It’s quite unnerving. And can have hilarious results for the trollons who aren’t properly trained in its use. Which includes most of them. I overheard more than one story about a trollon accidentally petrifying a coworker or friend over a cup of what passed for coffee in this hellhole.

Anyway, the trollon was distracted. Time to make my move. But what to do? I thought as quickly as I could. If I fired electricity, it’d cook the Girl along with the foe. If I threw a blade, it might strike her, and it'd use its vision power anyway. I needed a way to turn its power… against it… that’s it! I moved swiftly.

“Zut alors! Your baguette is showing!” I hollered.

“Eh!?” the trollon gasped, turning its head and firing the eye beam.

Directly into the mirror I now held in my hands.

The trollon released the Girl and staggered back, its flesh turning to stone before my eyes. “Non… noooon!” it howled, and then fell over, now a statue. The Girl fell wheezing to the floor, but rose moments later. I felt the vine unwrap itself from my chest and watched it crawl to her side. At last, I stood before her: this ravishing woman who may just be the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen, inside or outside a dragon.

“Hey,” she said. Think Guy, think! Say something clever!

I went with, “Hey.”

-Guy.IAD

Storming The Bowelstille

The siege began after all were “asleep” for what I presumed was the night. It was impossible to say when day and night occurred, for there was no natural light whatsoever down here, as usual. I dozed lightly in my cell, a thin blanket covering my slightly emaciated frame. Two weeks I’d been in captivity here. Two weeks of runny slop to eat. Two weeks of trying to remember, in vain, the incantation for a teleportation spell—not that I had mana to cast it anyway. Two weeks worth of stupid, trite riddles from King Omentum. Check out some of these gems:

- “When is a door not a door?” (When it’s ajar.)

- “I’m lighter than a feather, but no bowelbear can hold me for long. What am I?” (Breath.)

- “How do you drop a trollon egg three meters without breaking it?” (Trick question: Trollons are asexual and reproduce by budding.)

I was extremely pleased—and admittedly somewhat confused and distressed—when I heard the wet cracks of goopy musket-fire outside my tiny window. It sounded like someone was trying to shoot a rifle while submerged in heavy cream. I heard roars, screams, shrieks, curses in French, and all manner of other noises from beyond, but could see nothing save for the faint glimmer of reflected light on the rusty bars. I waited, gathering my strength. This was the day the bowelbear king spoke of. The day they’d finally face the pirate menace, or as the bowelbears called them, les petite cancrelats. The little cockroaches.

It was to be a bloodbath.

Let me back up. I feel that I’ve rambled a little; it’s been so long since I spoke to another human that I’ve quite forgotten how to form a coherent tale. During the first few days of my internment here, I was left in a cage in the town square. From that vantage point I was mocked and stared at, which didn’t much bother me, in part because I couldn’t care less about the opinions of stomach creatures and in part because I was able to eavesdrop on the happenings in the city. Trollons and bowelbears are quite chatty and prone to telling secrets. It was in this manner that I came to know a number of useful things about this place.

I learned that a large band of sub-humans had been living in the stomach for perhaps sixty years, and were descendents of a troupe swallowed at some past point during a great battle. These once-French once-humans had adapted to life here, taking on slimy attributes and speaking in a strange dialect. They kept to themselves for the most part, occasionally stealing supplies from the three clans or setting sail on voyages across the Sea of Acid. It was never clear why the clans hadn’t swarmed over these intruders, but I got the impression that they saw them as little more than insects. Minor annoyances.

All that changed just a few months ago. A new leader rose among the pirates, one with “demented” sensibilities. He increased the number of raids, implemented mandatory dress codes in keeping with the group’s French ancestry, and worst of all, had his men set up their own nets in the dragon’s gullet to catch food and possible new recruits. The rivalry between the two races was growing.

The day before they moved me to a prison cell, I overheard one final useful tidbit: the bowelbears knew of a newcomer to the ranks of the pirates. A human much like myself, they said. Had a pet vine that followed her around like a puppy. Could do magic. She, the bowelbears gossiped, was a powerful dark omen, and would soon lead an assault on their fair city. By order of the king, all citizens were to prepare themselves for a final confrontation with the pirates. It would not be long in coming.

After that I heard nothing more, until now, with the mixed screams of many races: bowelbear caws, trollon grunts, gallblin squeals, pirate cries, and somewhere in the midst of it the sound of fire magic. I waited, and waited, unsure which would be the worse fate: to have the pirates win and raze this building with me inside, or the three clans, leaving me with no hope for escape.

Just then I noted a quiet rustling at the window. A creeper vine peeked its curious head over the lip of the frame. In moments it slid down beside me, forming a neat coil. This, I reasoned, was the Girl’s vine, perhaps sent here to rescue me. But how?

The vine ejected a small object it’d been carrying, and waited for, I assumed, me to act. I picked up the object. It was a Mana Berry. Did the vine grow this? I patted the vine gently on—well, I couldn’t be sure it was the head, since the vine had no obvious cranium—and thanked it. Then I popped the morsel into my mouth. Its minty, fruity juice ran down my throat, instantly invigorating me.

My mana was fully restored in seconds. I stood, feeling more awake and lucid than I had in days. “C’mon little vine,” I said, holding my arm down for it. The vine slithered up my body like a snake and loosely wrapped itself around my torso, allowing me plenty of mobility. “Hang on friend. Time for me to return the favor.” I’d been thinking hard about how to break out of here, had I the chance. Well, now my moment had arrived.

I moved to the window of the cell door, spotted the keys on a hook on the wall, and used Telekinesis to bring them to the lock. I was free! I quickly located the treasure chest where the jailers kept personal belongings of various criminals interred here—a storage space I'd scouted during one of my many journeys out to see the King—and reacquired some of my lost gear. It wasn’t much, but at least I had my travel bag again. The vine adjusted its grip to accommodate this new addition. I scrounged through the small prison quickly, taking anything that might be of use: a dagger, a shortsword, some other keys, a few rations, a torch, a copy of Us Weekly, and a piece of broken mirror. There were no guards or other prisoners here; apparently everyone was outside, fighting.

I went to the prison door and took a breath. I didn’t know what I’d see when I stepped outside, but it wasn’t going to be pretty, of that much I felt certain. The vine shuffled restlessly at my hip.

Les dieux nous aident, I muttered, and stepped into the fray.

-Guy.IAD

Guy vs. Volcanoctopus - STRIFE!

Previously, inside a dragon…

As I belted out carol after joyful carol, I heard the sound of churning acid nearby. My head whipped round just in time to see a massive tentacle—spotted with sores and covered in a thick, orange slime—erupt from the mire. I barely had a moment to react before I was suddenly entwined about my waist. I drew the only weapon I had on hand and pummeled the creature mercilessly, but to no avail. I guess it must’ve been immune to Rachel Ray. Next thing I knew I was airborne: my bag of loot tumbled free as another tentacle rose and crushed the kayak, sending shards of lightweight wood in every direction. I spun about through the hot stomach air, shouting and trying to wriggle loose. Now the body of a great Volcanoctopus splashed to the surface the pool. I heard a rumbling cry of hunger and rage ring out from the monster’s beak, as the disgusting, bulbous head wobbled like month-old Jello, black and moldy. Except with lava spots. I knew then that things were dire, for a creature of this strength would be a fearsome foe indeed. Around me was naught but the dim glow of the acid. Would there be no respite? Could I not find some means to escape my fate? Was this the end?

And that’s when I spotted the Girl.

My rapidly pulsing heart still found time to skip a beat. She was breathtaking! I could scarcely believe so fair a lady had chanced to end up inside this dragon with me, alive no less. Now, granted, given the isolation I’d experienced up to that point, even a female Bugbear would’ve seemed a sight for sore eyes… but still! She was seated some distance away upon a raft constructed from beer casks and other refuse found floating in the acid lake. I tried to call to her, but the constriction around my torso was tightening, and it was all I could do to breathe. Thankfully, she noticed me—how could she not, given the tremendous noise of the Volcanoctopus and the disruption in the acid—but instead of moving to act, she paused to chat with some sort of unusual vine affixed to the rear of her vessel. I could only watch in confusion as she and plant appeared to converse. Was she a Druid, perhaps? Regardless, whatever aid she might’ve provided came too late, for just as quickly as my hopes rose, they sank again, along with the rest of my body. The creature’s next meal was at hand… er, tentacle. Me.

And now, the conclusion:

I found myself mumbling one of the few protective spells I knew: an endurance charm that would grant me temporary immunity to the effects of the acid and, hopefully, the impending blunt trauma of the Volcanoctopus’ beak. But alas! My mana, depleted at this critical moment! I could sense that I only had enough energy left for one or two small spells. Curses! As I twirled beneath the warm, stinging liquid, moving ever closer to the mouth of the beast, I felt despair overtake me. This was it. Journey’s end. No phoenix down to save me. Think Guy, think!

The Orb of Arching Bolts in my pocket sent out a tiny spark, pricking my leg like a thorn.

As if spoken by divine providence, I suddenly knew the path that lay before me. Only one shot at this… needed to make it count. I drew the crystalline sphere from my pocket and focused as best I could—which wasn’t saying much, since I was still a) underacid, b) gripped by a semi-molten tentacle, and c) about to die. The Vocanoctopus had dragged me deep into the acid lake in record time, causing my head to throb with the increased pressure. Now it decided to consume the choice morsel it’d found. Nom! I was inside the beak. The creature’s rough tongue scraped against my flesh. Mere seconds to act.

So long, light source. It’s been fun.

With nary more than an anticlimactic stream of bubbles, I used the last of my mana to shatter the Orb.

Immediately, a shockwave erupted outward, electrocuting me—but only a little—and completely frying the Volcanoctopus. It emitted a horrendous dying cry and spat me out, as tendrils of lightning weaved across its supple body like ants crawling over a fresh slice of watermelon dropped onto their hill. I didn't have much time to celebrate, as I was now adrift deep beneath a huge lake of acid, and had about five seconds of consciousness left before I drowned.

Yet it seemed fortune was to smile upon me again, for at that moment I saw and felt radiant waves of golden light leap around me, and I gained a level. My mana, health, and air, instantly restored! Yes! I felt my mind expand with new spells, the nature of which I hadn’t time to quite contemplate at that moment. I cast a breath charm and a fortitude charm, and started toward the surface.

Or would have, except at that moment, a strange muscular contraction opened a wide hole in the stomach lining below me. I tumbled through the passage in a torrent of acid, and fell into darkness, landing hard on something even harder. My eyes slid shut as I lost consciousness.

-Guy.IAD