Just Like 2012 But Not

I guess it was inevitable that things would take a turn for the worse. Even though it seemed unlikely to begin with, somehow the Girl and I managed to at last cross paths. Yet no sooner were we finally starting to entertain the notion of a conversation (or smooches) than our first (and hopefully not last) opportunity vanished. And when I say vanished, I actually mean "was eaten". But I get ahead of myself.

I've gotten ahead of myself before. Never drink and time travel.

Let's rewind a bit: we're on top of the tower. I'd just said, "Hey" and was grinning like a big doofus (no, that doesn't mean what you think it means. The doofus is a noble creature; I specifically imitated its grin because I knew the Girl was some sort of Druid, and thus I needed to impress her with my knowledge of animal lore), when suddenly we heard the unmistakable beeping of an electromagnetic pulse grenade. A platoon of bowelbears was hut-hut-huting their way up the stairs, and one had just chucked the bomb around the corner. It rolled up to our feet.

I immediately shouted for the Girl to take cover, and mumbled a spell to activate my absorptive shield. It should've allowed me to drain the energy from the blast and transform it into mana. Unfortunately, the lone EMP grenade was soon among friends; the bowelbears tossed a few more explosives into the room, probably for good measure. I didn't recognize the others.

Time for plan B. I grabbed the Girl's hand--she already seemed to know what I was thinking. The vine coiled itself around her like a belt, and we jumped.

But we jumped too late. The EMP went first, and although I deflected and consumed its energy, the vacuum it created pulled the other grenades toward us, which--if you know anything about grenades--is seriously not good. Whatever was in them knocked us flying at high speed, and off we went.

The sounds of battle faded rapidly, for obvious reasons. Our salvation from a splattery demise on the dragon floor turned out to be the faithful vine. As we tumbled head over heels into love (and through the air), we passed by a number of dangling structures. The vine lashed out, snagging one and immediately slowing our flight. But alas! The poor vine became lodged against whatever it'd grabbed, and we lost it. The Girl and I continued forward, crashing through a few membranes before finally coming to a halt.

I'll accelerate the tale from here. The vine didn't return, so I assumed it injured or lost. I couldn't go looking for it because the Girl had taken the brunt of an influenza grenade and was desperately ill. Instead I fortified the area as best I could, made a fire, and tended to her. A nearby treasure deposit provided clothing and supplies--did you know I almost went to the Occult University? They were shut down at the last minute. Something about vampiric cucumbers filled with sunlight. Can't remember now.

Three days went by. The Girl and I had numerous meaningful conversations, or at least we did in my head, because all she could do was murmur "fair-trade" and "organic" in reply to any query. But it was enough to be near her. Her hair was long and tangled. She wore simple pirate garb, and looked healthy considering the artificial disease that had incapacitated her.

She woke up free of infection on the third day, as I slept. I found her curled up against me.

It was a pretty nice moment.

But as I said, this perfect opportunity slipped away in an instant. I'd finally concocted the perfect opening line--"So, what's a nice girl like you doing in a dragon like this?"--and was about to say it, when suddenly the hot air shook with an all-too-familiar roar. A dragon's roar.

The flap of massive wings. A flash of scales. Huge teeth. A warm tongue, and a steaming mouth. Tumbling, turning, spinning, sliding. Darker darkness than the darkness to which I'd already become accustomed. The Girl shouting, and her hand slipping from mine.

Ugh, not again.

-Guy.IAD

Guy vs. Volcanoctopus - STRIFE!

Previously, inside a dragon…

As I belted out carol after joyful carol, I heard the sound of churning acid nearby. My head whipped round just in time to see a massive tentacle—spotted with sores and covered in a thick, orange slime—erupt from the mire. I barely had a moment to react before I was suddenly entwined about my waist. I drew the only weapon I had on hand and pummeled the creature mercilessly, but to no avail. I guess it must’ve been immune to Rachel Ray. Next thing I knew I was airborne: my bag of loot tumbled free as another tentacle rose and crushed the kayak, sending shards of lightweight wood in every direction. I spun about through the hot stomach air, shouting and trying to wriggle loose. Now the body of a great Volcanoctopus splashed to the surface the pool. I heard a rumbling cry of hunger and rage ring out from the monster’s beak, as the disgusting, bulbous head wobbled like month-old Jello, black and moldy. Except with lava spots. I knew then that things were dire, for a creature of this strength would be a fearsome foe indeed. Around me was naught but the dim glow of the acid. Would there be no respite? Could I not find some means to escape my fate? Was this the end?

And that’s when I spotted the Girl.

My rapidly pulsing heart still found time to skip a beat. She was breathtaking! I could scarcely believe so fair a lady had chanced to end up inside this dragon with me, alive no less. Now, granted, given the isolation I’d experienced up to that point, even a female Bugbear would’ve seemed a sight for sore eyes… but still! She was seated some distance away upon a raft constructed from beer casks and other refuse found floating in the acid lake. I tried to call to her, but the constriction around my torso was tightening, and it was all I could do to breathe. Thankfully, she noticed me—how could she not, given the tremendous noise of the Volcanoctopus and the disruption in the acid—but instead of moving to act, she paused to chat with some sort of unusual vine affixed to the rear of her vessel. I could only watch in confusion as she and plant appeared to converse. Was she a Druid, perhaps? Regardless, whatever aid she might’ve provided came too late, for just as quickly as my hopes rose, they sank again, along with the rest of my body. The creature’s next meal was at hand… er, tentacle. Me.

And now, the conclusion:

I found myself mumbling one of the few protective spells I knew: an endurance charm that would grant me temporary immunity to the effects of the acid and, hopefully, the impending blunt trauma of the Volcanoctopus’ beak. But alas! My mana, depleted at this critical moment! I could sense that I only had enough energy left for one or two small spells. Curses! As I twirled beneath the warm, stinging liquid, moving ever closer to the mouth of the beast, I felt despair overtake me. This was it. Journey’s end. No phoenix down to save me. Think Guy, think!

The Orb of Arching Bolts in my pocket sent out a tiny spark, pricking my leg like a thorn.

As if spoken by divine providence, I suddenly knew the path that lay before me. Only one shot at this… needed to make it count. I drew the crystalline sphere from my pocket and focused as best I could—which wasn’t saying much, since I was still a) underacid, b) gripped by a semi-molten tentacle, and c) about to die. The Vocanoctopus had dragged me deep into the acid lake in record time, causing my head to throb with the increased pressure. Now it decided to consume the choice morsel it’d found. Nom! I was inside the beak. The creature’s rough tongue scraped against my flesh. Mere seconds to act.

So long, light source. It’s been fun.

With nary more than an anticlimactic stream of bubbles, I used the last of my mana to shatter the Orb.

Immediately, a shockwave erupted outward, electrocuting me—but only a little—and completely frying the Volcanoctopus. It emitted a horrendous dying cry and spat me out, as tendrils of lightning weaved across its supple body like ants crawling over a fresh slice of watermelon dropped onto their hill. I didn't have much time to celebrate, as I was now adrift deep beneath a huge lake of acid, and had about five seconds of consciousness left before I drowned.

Yet it seemed fortune was to smile upon me again, for at that moment I saw and felt radiant waves of golden light leap around me, and I gained a level. My mana, health, and air, instantly restored! Yes! I felt my mind expand with new spells, the nature of which I hadn’t time to quite contemplate at that moment. I cast a breath charm and a fortitude charm, and started toward the surface.

Or would have, except at that moment, a strange muscular contraction opened a wide hole in the stomach lining below me. I tumbled through the passage in a torrent of acid, and fell into darkness, landing hard on something even harder. My eyes slid shut as I lost consciousness.

-Guy.IAD

Lost & Found

I’m seriously lost down here now. I tried to find my stomachmarks in the wake of my recent cooking catastrophe and aerial adventure—still haven’t seen that helmet or any of my old supplies—but when I finally landed I was hopelessly disoriented. It doesn’t help that the only source of light I have in here is little bursts of static electricity I can create when I snap my fingers. Makes it hard to find my way around when I get tired of snapping. I’ve got to find another means of making light. I attempted to ignite a rag on a stick—okay, actually a dry piece of leather affixed to a femur—with my Volt spell to make a torch, but all I did was vaporize the hide and make the bone explode. Ouch. Probably shouldn’t’ve done that. Now I’ve got a small burn on my hand and a very blackened chunk of what was once a cow, I think. Anyway.

Being inside a dragon has given me a new angle to reflect on life. I hope you’ll pardon a minor dissertation on the matter: I shan’t go on too long, I promise. So here I am. In a dragon. I’m officially food. But I’m still alive, and so far I have no reason to think the dragon is able to obtain any kind of nourishment from me while I remain as such. After all, don’t you need to absorb the nutrients from things in order to count them as food? I mean, if you eat something and throw it up later, you didn’t really eat it did you? So anyway, with me still alive I can’t really be counted as food.

What does that make me, then? I’m an intruder here in the stomach. Not a willing one, sure, but still. Does that make me a parasite? I’ve been eating (or trying to eat) the food that’s supposed to be for the dragon. Parasites are one-way deals though. They don’t give anything back to the host. And while you can rest assured I won’t be sending this dragon a Christmas card in a few weeks or a Facebook post on it’s birthday, I still feel like the dragon get something out of this deal: namely, whatever nutrients it’s absorbing from my legs as I wander around in here. Also, I’ve taken the liberty of organizing the various dead livestock I come upon so they’re easier for the dragon to absorb. The fuller it feels, the less often it will take off and send me on wild journeys though the hot air like I’m on the business end of the gravity gun in Half-Life 2. Plus it looks way better in here now. Tidiness is important!

So we’re kind of symbiotic, in a weird way. I’m a living source of nutrition, and the dragon has the courtesy to keep eating stuff that I can eat. Plus there’s sweet loot in here. Seriously sweet loot. Even though I don’t know where I am anymore, I’ve been gathering what I can from around the area just in case I need it later. If I can find somewhere pretty stable, I might be able to build a hut or something. So far I’ve acquired a tattered messenger bag, a couple of throwing daggers, some gemstones, and a soggy copy of Every Day with Rachel Ray from August ’08. Who was keeping this magazine? Why? Whatever. Time to rummage through another pile of adventurer bones.

Oh hell yes! I found something super awesome in here: an Orb of Arching Bolts. I used to have one of these when I was a kid. It’s a baseball-sized glass sphere, cool white in color (okay, yes, it looks like a light bulb), and when it’s struck with electricity it lights up like one of those awesome plasma orbs. You ever play with one of those? They’re crazy. I always wondered what would happen if you broke the glass. I lived in perpetual fear of doing just that: what if when you broke it the little plasma spirit inside came out and latched onto you? You’d shock everyone you touched. Makes it hard to mack on the ladies, know what I’m sayin’?

Okay. Light source: got it. Any idea where I am: no. Baby steps. Baby steps. I think I’ll head toward the narrow section I saw a while ago. I thought I heard the sound of oars in water… must’ve been my imagination.

-Guy.IAD