Smooth Sailing

I've found a brilliant way to stay dry in the dragon's stomach while moving around. While I was wandering around, doing my daily scavenge for undigested vegetables (I'm a vegetarian and am not quite hungry enough to start eating meat. Did you know that, while beholders make excellent and cost-effective shepherds, they brutally eviscerate nearly half of all our meat products for their own sick pleasure? It's really too cruel and I just can't support an industry that encourages creatures with eyestalks that can inflict serious wounds to play with my food). Where was I? Oh yes, when I was scavenging for some cruelty-free veggies I found a few barrels of beer.

I know, I know, I probably should have saved all the beer and dealt with being slowly digested through a long, lonely binge, but I was sort of desperate to stop the burning that was beginning on my legs. So I filled my fair-trade, synthetic waterskin with the stuff and broke the barrels open. I've fashioned a sort of canoe from the planks and am now quite dry (if not somewhat tipsy). I'm concerned that the stomach acid will eventually wear down the wood of the boat, but for now I'm wonderfully dry, even slightly comfortable.

While I was drifting in a large lake of acid, I made another great find. I found an assassin vine creeping about and tied it to the back of my boat. Now I have quick and easy access to its hearty but bitter fruit at any time! I just need to make sure it doesn't try to entangle me in my sleep...

I also found a helmet drifting in the digestive fluids. It looked like it had some kind of stew in it recently, there were little bits of meat sort of burnt to the bottom. There wasn't much, but I fed it to the assassin vine in hopes that we can reach some sort of understanding, maybe even form a symbiotic relationship, if you know what I mean. I tried to explain to it how I'm really on its side as an environmentalist and all and it shouldn't really be angry that I'm eating its berries and dragging it through the stomach of a dragon. I think it understood... But just in case, I think I'll try to keep it satiated.

-Girl.IAD

Hunger Pains

Several days have now passed. I am all but certain that the Ring of Acid Resistance the Elves gave me is the only thing keeping me from dissolving into a melty, gooey pile of slush here in this hostile environment. Still, I find myself a growing a bit peckish. Perhaps I can devise a method for preparing some food?

The first step is to figure out what I have on hand. Let’s see. Plenty of animal meat, that much is clear, though some of it is admittedly not particularly well-preserved. Is this dragon a scavenger? Maybe. I’ve seen a few human corpses in here, but I’m not ready to stoop to cannibalism. I don’t want to contract some weird CTI (cannibalisticly transmitted infection). No thanks. The stomach acid itself is only remotely appetizing. It might make a decent sauce, with the right reductions… but I’m getting ahead of myself.

One of the other things I’ve tried to do in the last few days is begin to learn to navigate the stomach. There aren’t many landmarks here (stomachmarks?), and admittedly things tend to slosh about, but I’ve spotted a few memorable items: a set of ticks in one wall, a collection of gold piles (one of which looked as though it had been sat upon at some point; I found a merlot-stained wineglass beside it), and of course the flarynx (the most obvious first choice for a navigation point). There’s also a very, very dark space leading to what I can only assume is the lower portion of the digestive system. I haven’t gone down there yet. Don’t think I will.

While coming up with a method for finding my way around down here, I began collecting trinkets and other items that might be of use. I’ve located a couple of rusty skeleton keys, a broken sword hilt, a dazzling, vaguely spoon-shaped emerald, and a license plate from Oregon (well known for its dragons—perhaps this beast is from there) reading WHTDRGN. Coincidence? Not sure. My best find so far though? A knight’s helmet. With tassel. Aw yeah. I plunked that baby on my skull—forgetting that it was full of acid, and thus drenching myself—and wandered around, no longer fearing head injuries.

But now I have an idea. A wild, crazy idea. This helmet might form a convenient cook pot, and with a bit of acid, plus some bones and chunks of beef… hm. I found a few carrots too—admittedly inside the belly of a horse, but they’re not digested!—so those could help out. Yes. I think this will work.

I found a flat spot and stuck the keys and sword straight down in the stomach lining with the license plate on top to form a little platform. Next I put the helmet on top of the license plate. My magical training is limited. I never learned to make fire. However, lightning is another story…

Electrically superheated license plate + makeshift stew pot + random ingredients = delicious? Sure smells that way! I’m really looking forward to this!

…

Fuck. Dragon lifted off, sending everything flying and knocking me halfway across the stomach. I almost caught the helmet as it went zooming off, but all I managed to do was smack it and knock all the stew out. And burn my hand.

Guess I’m going hungry for a little while longer. Thank goodness for this nutrient-rich Ring of Nourishment I’m also wearing.

-Guy.IAD

Time Passes

I've begun attempting to devise a timekeeping system for myself here. My watch was smashed during the swallowing process. But I've started to figure out how long it takes certain things to dissolve, and using this method, I can sort of get a feel for how much time is passing. Guts and organs usually go first, within perhaps two hours. Skin takes longer. Maybe five hours. Bones take the longest, so they're not of much use. Also, the dragon eats on a regular basis, so when something fresh comes tumbling in, showering me with a cascade of its hot, sticky innards, I at least know it's been about twelve hours. That's how often dragons eat. Or were you not aware? What do they teach in that school of yours?

Comments on my telepathic blog posts appear to return to me as echoes in the dragon's stomach. This makes for some rather odd situations, as I've already found myself at least once today shouting, "I disagree with your point but I respect your right to hold your own opinion!" Which seems silly when the only things around you are fleshy stomach walls, pools of digestive juice, and chunks of various dead things. Still, it's nice to know my words are being read. Now if only I could devise a means of signaling someone on the outside as to which dragon I'm in. There are so many around, you know. Hard to keep track. And I can't expect someone to go around slicing up every dragon until they find me. It's illegal.

I came upon something resembling a hammock today. I have no idea how it got here, but it looked comfy so I rested in it. I couldn't help but wonder why the dragon would eat a hammock made of skins from dead animals, which it had also eaten. Perhaps it made the hammock for me and then consumed it? That would be very courteous. Further investigation is necessary.

I'm beginning to wonder why I haven't melted away yet. Perhaps those blessings I received from the Elves really are working after all! I knew saving their Princess was a good idea.

-Guy.IAD